Here's what all the people I know do:
-Go straight to the ER.
-Do not give your real name.
-At all costs, pee immediately before seeing the physician, even if you have no choice but to pee in a corner of the room like an unruly puppy.
-When you finally see the physician, complain of abdominal pain, vomiting, and diarrhea. Eat the french fries you picked up at Wendy's on the way in.
-Look up from texting everyone you know to tell the ER doc that your pain is an 11 out of 10 on a pain scale, thus demonstrating that your pain is
more severe than any pain anyone could possibly have had in the history of the world. They will not be impressed at all with your discomfort if your pain is less than 10. 14 is better.
-Resume texting.
-Continue texting and roll your eyes every time the physician asks a question.
-Become briefly engaged with the physician when discussing the "sleeve tattoos" you have on both arms. Be sure to show all 19 piercings, including the trendy new "spleen piercing" you just got.
-When the nurse comes to draw your blood, emphasize how much you hate needles.
-Tell the nurse that you cannot give a urine sample because you just peed.
-Complain about the channel selection on hospital cable.
-After 15 minutes, begin complaining about how long this is taking.
-Ask when you are getting some pain medicine. Explain that you are allergic to tylenol, toradol, motrin, aspirin, ice, heat, pepto-bismol, bentyl, and reglan. You got some pain medicine before that really helped. You can't remember what it was, but it started with a "D". Dil-something.
-While you are waiting for the escort to wheel you back to your room from the CT scanner (you are not escaping the ER without a CT scan no matter what your complaint is) pee the bed. Explain that you waited for almost 5 minutes and couldn't hold it any longer.
-Complain about how long this is taking.
-Demand to be fed.
-Ask why you have not yet gotten your dilaudid. Accuse the staff of treating you like a junkie.
-Demand to see the nurse supervisor, patient care advocate, and hospital CEO.
-Demand percocet for home once you are discharged. You just know that pain is going to come back.
-If the doctor will not give you dilaudud or percocet, ask to see another physician.
-Tell them that you cannot pay your co-pay today because you left your money at home. Ask them to bill you. You gave a fake name, after all.
-Return to the hospital a week later with a toothache. Repeat this process.
This is also a good approach if you should ever
have a seizure.