Sigil: City of Doors

The Cult of Sensbane

I'm sure anyone who's tramped through the Market Ward has heard the name Sensbane. But just who are these folk who bear the name? Well, I've taken it upon myself to let you fine folk in on the dark of them, and yes, it's pretty dark.

You see, it all started one day when I heard rumors of the passing of Jach Sensbane, Sigil's most notorious madman, merkhant, and deranged pervert. It wasn't long before I began poking my well endowed nose into the chant surrounding this fellow.

When i began my investigation, I was met with numerous warnings. Some said I'd find a knife in my back. Others said I'd be tied to a balor's genitals and set aflame, and you know what, ever since I've been getting some lascivious looks from our local demons. Scary isn't it?

Now, as some of you may know, the Sensbane family is rather shady. Unlike many noble families, they've a penchant for secrecy, having involved themselves with shady sorts like one Azrinoth Deschain, or the shadow obsessed Shiv. It's not unusual to see the Sensbane's rejecting outside influences, they even go so far as to avoid contact or conversation with the locals. Although, in all honesty, this still doesn't give folk a good idea of just how strange these folk are. So, let's take a look at the individuals in this Cult, shall we?

Dom
Dom is one of the Cage's most notorious womanizers. He also has a curiously hairy arse. Now, not to question the fellow, but he has been spotted taking luxurious bubble bathes in rooms littered with scented candles and doused in perfume. He is perhaps, the most "normal" or "likeable" of the Sensbanes. But even he, has a shady role in the Sensbane heirarchy.

Once upon a time, he was dubbed Jach's go to man. He had a knack for acquiring goods, and a penchant for powerful magics. Some say he sold his body to Jach in exchange for the powerful magi's tutelage in the arcane arts. His false marriage with the supposed daughter of Jach only verifies this, said marriage being revealed as a cover up for his closeted relationship with Jach.

Hairy men showing each other how to rub a wand, anyone?

Jach Sensbane
Little is known of this ominous figure. What is known, is that he was one of the Market Ward's most successful, and well known merchants. Regrettably, I could find little in the way of accurate information on the fellow, except for one, tiny tidbit.

According to a trustworthy source, Jach was victim to a variety of sexual perversion, one of which involved a small devil, an imp, which was bound to him as his familiar. While the specifics can't be revealed due to their lewd nature, what can be said is this, the Imp refused to sit down, or perch, in public.

Which leads me to a brief public service message to you fine Cagers:
"Interspecies erotica involving imps, or other diminutives races with humans is not advised."

Kalina Sensbane
The adopted daughter of Jach, Kalina is widely known for her foul attitude, and wanton ways. Once upon a time she was the pride and joy of the noble basher, Legault Degare, but alas, her cleft craved more than what the normal man could offer, and so she joined the Sensbane Cult. Within such a cult, she became entangled with Dom, our favorite sexual deviant. And, according to the rumor mill, the man has managed to satisfy her, likely with magic involved.

Now, as far as shady goes. You need only note that on a regular basis, the skirt leads groups of men and women to room ten, in Muriel's Inn. It may seem innocent, but if you wait, you'll begin to hear much thumping, wet slaps, screams, and the crunching of bones.

Strange you say? Indeed.

Has it any bearing on the Sensbane Cult?

Why yes, yes it does. You see, among each of these folk mentioned, the founding deviants of the cult, you'll note a tendency towards rampant perversion. And thus, the heart of the sensbane Cult is revealed. Perversion.

The Sensbane Cult is one that focuses on drawing together all the hidden pervert and deviants in Sigil's society, for what end you may ask? Noone knows.

And, noone may ever know.












Be sure to look for next weeks article!

Mercykiller's Snubbed!

In recent news, the Harmonium recently captured and imprisoned a murderer and kidnapper. A vile man with a savage reputation. A Hardhead. That's right. A Hardhead turned skag on his own and ran amok like a barmy git with a bum full o' Slaadi eggs.
Rumor has it, the man kidnapped Kalina of the Sensbane Cult.

How?

A trustworthy informant has lead me to create this scenario:

It's a bright, sunny day in the Lady's Ward. The vine's are short, the smog is clear, and the Dabus are scarce. Off goes little Kalina, strolling along, innocent as can be after her latest session of fantastical fornicating. As she walks, she spots her good friend Raif, brother to her ex-lover, and brutal enforcer of the unforgiving law. They stroll down the street, hand in hand, skipping ever-so merrily.

Into a dark alley.

It is then, that things take a turn for the worse!
As Raif's grip tightened, the little blonde let out a squeel of delight! She had been anticipating a 'bout of filthy bondage sex from her dear friend. Something long overdue. Sadly, such was not the case, as she watched in surprised horror as Raifael Degare brandishes his mighty, and impromptu weapon. A goblins severed leg. With this filthy appendage, he beat the poor dilettante into a stupor. And dragged her to his cave! Or rather, his little lair in Undersigil.

What happened from that point on is unknown, my informant regrettably, passed out from the shock of reliving the tale.

What is known! Is that after a good bit of searching, the vagrant Raif and his unwilling victim was found!

Many celebratory fist-pounding, headbutting, and other masculine forms of celebration were had. During these masculine celebrations, Raifael was taken to a cell, where he got to take part as well! After all, the hardheads appreciate a good chase, and reward it with manly beatings to instill right and proper values in the good, loyal citizenry.


It wasn't long before the fellow went on trial, and was sent to the Mercykiller's for proper punishment.


Right...?


Wrong!

In fact... The harmonium were quite embarrassed that one of their own had gone so far as to bring shame to their good and lofty name. After a good bit of show, and some skillful playacting (Hardheads are more cunning than you think!) Raifael was deemed.. and I rust you not.. Temporarily Insane.

Slaad Blek you say? Why yes, yes indeed! You see, when little Raifael was deemed insane, and tossed over to the grimey Bleakers in the Gatehouse, he was deemed sane! Perfectly sane even! It wasn't long before those raving loons set the fellow loose once more.

Much to the anger, and consternation of the Mercykillers, who's collective faces were spit upon by the Harmonium.

But... There is hope.

The Mad Hardhead is on the loose once more, and the Hardheads are swift to follow his trail.

Maybe this time the Mercykiller's will get their man...?


(Disclaimer: All sources and informants are anonymous and tell nothing but the truth, whole and absolute without any doubt what-so-ever. This Report is completely and thoroughly objective, and in no way biased one way or another.)

Harmonium, Again.

So, many of you fine reader's know of our humble dwarven merchant, Ovarf.
Many of you, may note that currently, he's handed his business off to one of his loyal friends, and noted Beardmate, Thrym.

What you may not know is... Why!

Well, from my ears to yours, here's the Repor'

As told by a gaggle of witnesses.

The Haps.

All was good and fine in the great market. Goods were sold, patrons were satisfied, jink was exchanged. One notably successful merchant was Ovarf the dwarf.
The dwarf bears many titles, some may know his as the bearer of the Clanbeard, others dub him Jinkbeard, and many claim him as the sole bearer of the Beard of Beards of the Beardom of Beardland, land of Manbeards and Beardfolk. With his magnificent bit of man-plumage, Ovarf sold many a ware, and saved many cutters lives by ensuring they were properly outfitted for their planeswalking endeavors.

All was good and well, until a certain man appeared. This man had the look of a prepubescent boy who's father had improper relations with a goat, and his mother perhaps an obese jinkskirt of low quality. This slimy little man calls himself Raziel. It asn't long before this weaselly man realized he could run poor Ovarf into a jail cell with little to no effort.

Raziel set his plans in motion. He squirmed his way up to Ovarf. Standing next to the glorious Beard and it's dwarven bearer with all the courtesy of a slaadi vomiting on a guvner's front door. It didn't take long before Raziel began planting his little signs next to, or on top of Ovarf's own.

what was our little weasel doing? Why tis simple, he was hiding Ovarf's advertisements with his own, thus costing Ovarf to lose much business. But such is nothing to worry about, until you realize this raziel fellow was selling goods of lesser quality, and often overcharging his patrons who didn't know better.

Now, Ovarf politely asked the fellow to find his own stall, but of course, Raziel promptly spat in the courteous Beard's hairy face. Ovarf took the next proper course of action, he sought aid from the Harmonium. What happenned? The Hardhead, Cratten Erroc told him to go Rust. At this point, Ovarf decided to take up a good, solid course of action. One he may have learned from his Wise and All Knowing Beard.

Ovarf began to offer folk 1000 gold coins if they didn't buy from Raziel, and that's not all! In an act of superb charity, The Beard and Ovarf offered each person a free item of their choosing as well!

At the sign of charity, the Hardhead Cratten Erroc then came over and told Ovarf he had disturbed the peace by offering customers gold and goods. As you can see the Hardheads now view charity to adventurers as a crime. The Bleakers better watch out.

When Ovarf continued to offer his goods for free, Cratten said he would arrest him, even use force if necessary. It was at this point that the Noble Beard and his dwarf asked his friends to depart, he wouldn't wish harm to come to them as a result of his own morals and principles, which he refused to leave behind with typical dwarven stubbornness.

At the sight of Ovarf's resolve, Cratten began casting a dark spell of ominous, necromantic origins. At the end of his casting.. The Great Beardbearer fell to the dirt with an earthshaking clatter.

The merchant thought to stand up for himself.. And was smitten by the Harmonium.

The slimey weasel Raziel had won the day.

And that, dear readers, is why one should never trust the Hardheads.



(Disclaimer: All sources and informants are anonymous and tell nothing but the truth, whole and absolute without any doubt what-so-ever. This Report is completely and thoroughly objective, and in no way biased one way or another.)

Taking Anonymous Tips!

That's right folks. I'm taking tips. Got a tip? Maybe some advice? Great! I'll take both. Be advised, any written advice will be returned after being used to keep my fine and fuzzy arse squeaky clean. Remember folks, the Repor' is here for You!

Corruption in the Ranks! (Again.)

It's come to my attention, dear Cagers, that once more the Harmonium has chosen to snub their nose at their own ideals. As some of you may know, a particular Hardhead who's been seen about the Great Bazaar has a certain taste for the rougher, nastier sort of woman. This Hardhead is none other than Sergeant Amaku, and who's this Hardhead's object of wet and raucous affection?

None other than Malefina Sixthfinger. A known criminal and deviant, Malefina has been spotted plying her trade from time to time in the Hive Ward. That is, when she isn't busy seducing sweet little Hardheads into letting her off the hook. Who knows, it seems bribes aren't the way to escape the "Justice" of the Harmonium these days folks. Just whip out your jewels and prepare for a romp between the sheet! Who knows, maybe you'll find yourself on the easy path to riches with a little Hardhead boy or girl wrapped ever so tightly about your sweaty, perfumed finger.

Just remember, if you try to use your Sixthfinger in the Bottomhole, try to fake a smile or two.

(Disclaimer: All sources and informants are anonymous and tell nothing but the truth, whole and absolute without any doubt what-so-ever. This Report is completely and thoroughly objective, and in no way biased one way or another.)

(Notice of Inspection: All articles have been thoroughly inspected, perused, and edited by a licensed and competent Bearditorial Beardseer. No Beards were harmed, nor lost in this process. If you'd like to learn more, please send a Beardscroll to my Beardbox and we'll Beard each other until you're satisfied with your newfound knowledge of all things Beardly in the realm of Beardliness and Beardly Practices.)

Two Bit Jezebel
As many Cagers who're keen on the chant will tell you, the Bloodwar has decided to heat up. Again. What you fine readers may not know is that our very own Jezebel may be playing a part in it!
Now, for those of you unfamiliar with our seductive little merchant let little old Deadsmell fill you in. Jezebel is the Bazaar's merchant to see if you need something sharp and pointy, be it a dagger to pick your teeth with, or a hefty axe to knock a few heads off. She's also a scantily clad erinyes. You know, the vixens of the Nine Hells, the sexually seductive angels of flame and torment etc. etc. Now, for you Clueless who haven't heard about the Blood War, I'll sum it up nice and easy for you.
It's an eternal war that spans the planes between both devils and demons, and the occasional mercenary band. Now, as a devil, Jezebel is obligated to play her part in the Blood War, right?

Well... What could a humble provider of all things deadly do to help her Devilkin?
Well, tis quite simple really. As the chant goes, our little Jezebel has been smugggling weapons through the Cage to... You guessed it, the Abyss. Where her comrades are currently duking it out. What you may not know is this, she's been dumping a fair amount of jink into the Devil's war chest, and, do you know where her biggest profits, and best equipment comes from? Why, the Clueless of course. The Clueless, Primers, what have you make up her best business, selling her valuable weapons and armors at a mere fraction of ftheir value, what she doesn't resell, goes straight to her kin.

So, if you've something against Devil's, or just the Blood War in general...

Try not to shove any more goods down Jezebels tight little mouth.

Anything else going into that mouth, well, that's your business.

(Disclaimer: All sources and informants are anonymous and tell nothing but the truth, whole and absolute without any doubt what-so-ever. This Report is completely and thoroughly objective, and in no way biased one way or another.)

(Notice of Inspection: All articles have been thoroughly inspected, perused, and edited by a licensed and competent Bearditorial Beardseer. No Beards were harmed, nor lost in this process. If you'd like to learn more, please send a Beardscroll to my Beardbox and we'll Beard each other until you're satisfied with your newfound knowledge of all things Beardly in the realm of Beardliness and Beardly Practices.)