Oleg Semonov - Bio and Journal

[*Protoss119]

Excerpt from the Journal of Oleg Semonov:

With raiment and arms shall friends gladden each other,
so has one proved oneself;
for friends last longest, if fate be fair
who give and give again.

It is done at last!  With Selenda having recovered enough of her strength to regain consciousness, she and Jaeyna have reconciled.  It will take some time for her to recover her full strength, but when she does, the three of us will be unstoppable!  Bernadette, that cowardly niding - her days are numbered, as they always have been!

Selenda described the anger she felt, not just from her wielding the shard, but her own fury narrowing the choices before her until only the most direct path remained.  She described the anger radiating from Salarak's remains, the intoxication of the power she felt, and how it influenced her using her own anger as a base.  Reluctant as I am to say "I told her so"...I told her so.  That is also one reason why I am so reluctant to see her go back to wielding a shard.  I would rather not see this become a cyclic affair, in which she takes up a shard, fails to see reason for the duration until she nearly kills herself again, and then launches into another round of apologies before going back to doing exactly as she did before.  I've only so much patience, and she only has so much life in her.  Jaeyna's nightmares have not abated, either, meaning the shards are still a threat.

That, among other reasons, is why I made my offer to take her on as my kertilsvein.  As an aside, I am surprised that she knows the word.  I never took her to be dim, but time and again she surprises me with her knowledge and wisdom, particularly since I took Jaeyna to be the pillar of such.  Could it be that there is another culture on Aria that has a similar language, makes use of similar terminology, and has a level of technology equaling that of Russ?  Those peoples I have met on Aria meet at least one of these prerequisites, but not yet all three.

Selenda said she would need time to consider my offer.  That is fine.  When Rogvolod the Seer offered to make me his kertilsvein, I know I was similarly awed.  But I was a boy of 14, and after the initial shock passed, I leapt at the chance to join him.  I wanted to be like my brother Vladimir, who had left a few weeks prior to Rogvolod's coming to become a viking...how little I knew, then.  The magnitude of what I am attempting with Selenda, of mentoring one from an entirely different world, is far greater.  She is particularly concerned that without the shard, she would not have the ability to call on her seidr and she would be worth less as a result.  I have written on this already, but there is one thing I have discovered.  It seems there are those paladins and gothi who draw their powers not from any one god, but from the strength of their beliefs, their devotion to justice and honor.  It seems a queer notion to me.  I've heard it said that the gods need worshipers to survive, but I believe man needs gods as well.  The gods reward us for our notions of law and honor and community by giving us the power to defend those ideals and that which they created.  It is also not a guarantee that the seidr in Aria will work the same way as it does in Midgard.  But perhaps there's a chance...if it means Selenda has power independent of the shards, it is a chance worth taking.

And although I can show Selenda the door, she herself must open it.  It is not my wish to hammer my beliefs into her head; we are warriors, not zealots.  Our pupils should and will ask questions, and it is our duty to answer them truthfully.  They will test our beliefs and ask us "why?"; these beliefs should be tested for their strength and utility, elsewise they are nothing, disconnected from reality.  Odin and his brothers made Midgard and man, but man made law and honor; the gods adopt them, bless our efforts, give us strength to defend them, in return for our devotion.  So where a god has been false, as in the case of Aukeisier, it falls to man once again to defend that which he made.  If he can draw power from that, so much the better.  I don't think it's an easy way, if it is indeed possible, but I would sooner that than Salarak's influence any day.

Triana and Thalladen also visited, bringing us vital information.  The Caledrians have been pillaging the Aumaati lands still under their control, stripping the lands of trees and ore in order to build something in Caledria.  In addition, Sabine Bernadette is on her way to those lands in Rahvas Udu controlled by the kurja in order to speak with their leader.  This is a precious opportunity that we cannot neglect.  We can slay the kurja leader and that cowardly niding Bernadette in a single stroke!  After Rahuko, we were already making plans to go to Rahvas Udu and slay this kurja warlord - now, that objective has become all the more critical.

After she left, Selenda shared with me some surprising information.  After Jaeyna and I informed Triana of the events of Rahune, she and the Vatassi began raiding every Caledrian outpost they could find - not for the slight against herself, but for the slight against my person.  I did not realize that she held me in such high esteem...I look back at the words I had written just a few days ago and feel ashamed.  The pain that she felt from her brother's death is the very same pain that Selenda felt at the murder of her husband.  This is not sneering contempt for the way of honor - it is a struggle against anger and grief and hurt and their subversive power.  I cannot forgive one and condemn the other for the same thing...and since I have already forgiven Selenda, I may as well forgive Triana.  All the same, she and I need to come to a common standard of war to which we can both be held accountable, or else this will keep happening.  And for all that grief and anger are a factor, there are lines that I will not cross.  It would be wrong to ask me to cross them for their sake.

That was another way in which Selenda's wisdom surprised me.  I have not even taken her as my kertilsvein, yet I am already learning from her, the oblique way in which a mentor learns from his student.  One of the other reasons she was hesitant to accept my offer was because she fears to disappoint me.  But she is sword-sister to me.  Yes, some of her words and actions have been irritating to me, but she could only ever disappoint me by embracing the niding's path.  Using the shards in and of itself does not constitute dishonor, no matter how worrying it is to me, but slaughtering prisoners and the innocent, twisting, raping, and dominating minds, using poison, acting in bad faith, violating dignity - all of these things certainly would, and I've not seen her to do any of these things yet.  I told her of the dream that I had, too, and my desire to make it a reality.  She was receptive to the idea - surprisingly so, I dare to say.  She was more ambivalent when Jaeyna proposed that she leave the service of Aumaa for a time after the war is over to come travel with us.

Perhaps it is time for me to stop, how you say, beating around the bush and say that I love her.  That is not to say that I want her.  Jaeyna is the one that I want.  I know you are reading this, Yaropolk, and I know you are going to try and twist my words, you little shit.  A romance with her is not what I wish, nor a love triangle.  I am content with Jaeyna in that regard.  These things being said, the differences between the way I care for Selenda and the way I care for Jaeyna are disappearing.  I love her as kin loves kin, the same way I love my brothers and my parents - maybe even the same way Jaeyna cares for Selenda, assuming I haven't dramatically misinterpreted their relationship.  How the Hel am I supposed to explain that, though, if asked?  "Selenda, you know I care very deeply for you, but Jaeyna is the one I want, so don't expect this to deepen at all, mmm?"  To either of them?  "Jaeyna, you know I love you, but I'm also growing close to your best friend, so I hope it won't be a problem if I share some of that intimacy with her, yes?  Not even all of it!"  This is not good.  Perhaps I should not have written that.

On the other hand, what else am I to call it?  There is nothing I would not do for either of them, and I want them to be a large part of my life.  I want to share in their triumphs and in their troubles.  I want to teach them what I know with the time I have, so that they might succeed in their endeavors.  I want to marry Jaeyna and one day father children with her, and I want Selenda to be there when I marry Jaeyna - when, I say, and damn the king and my peers if they do not approve!  I would lay down my life if it meant either of them might live.  What else am I to call that, if not love?

To Hel with it.  I will go and pray to Freyja and Frigga for help in sorting out my feelings.  This is a delicate matter.  I do not expect such feelings to be reciprocated - although in the case of Jaeyna, they certainly are - but I owe an explanation to myself, at least, or to the gods, or to whoever should read this after my time has passed.  (I don't owe you anything, Yaropolk.  So stop pestering me about it.)  For the nonce, I hope Selenda accepts my offer.  It would be my greatest joy to teach her.  The times ahead will not be easy, but neither she nor I chose this path because it was easy.  We chose it because it was hard, because the easy path was insufficient for us.  Certainly the Aumaati might end the war with nothing but the shardbearers - crush the Caledrians, spare no one, and drive their seed into the ground, so that they might never threaten Aumaa again.  But apart from being practically nigh-impossible, strategically problematic, and risking exposure to Salarak's corruption, the Aumaati will still have lost the war.

Because I see the true enemy now.  It is grief, terror, overwhelming anger, the forces that drive us to compromise who we are and all that we have achieved.  It is the fear of threat that drives men to abandon all decency, to liken themselves to animals, the fear of threat that makes the dishonorable, the uncivilized, so tempting.  The secret - the reason why, after ten years, I still call myself a champion of Rurik and all that is just and good - is that we need not always win.  We need only fight.  Our honor is a construct - it is made by us, a deliberate limitation on our capabilities, followed because we believe in something more than naked power, than mere survival.  And we believe in these because just by forming communities and laws, man has already rejected the idea of power and survival being end-all, be-all, because we wanted meaning in our actions and our lives.  I weep for those poor souls who believe the opposite - we rejected animal behavior for a reason.

And that is why the gods reward us.  And that is why Thor defends mankind.  And that is why Rurik unites us.  And that is why I defend not just my people, but the Aumaati and Rahvassi, and Selenda and Jaeyna in particular.  In those two I place my hopes.  So long as the three of us keep fighting with honor, Aumaa and Rahvas Udu are not yet vanquished.  May the Aesir watch over us all!

[*Protoss119]

Excerpt from the Journal of Oleg Semonov:

Another map has been added to my collection.

It seems the gods are at last turning their attention outward towards the larger multiverse.  I have met more followers of the Aesir in Sigil.  One is Solvi Mistdottir, a woman with a bandaged arm who hails from Midgard.  She never said where in Midgard, but there is still much of the world yet unexplored, and out here in the multiverse, who knows what is possible?  I have not yet fought beside her, but I am looking forward to seeing her in action.  The other is Rebecca Arisdottir, a powerful warrior who claims to be from Ysgard!!! The revelation that there are communities of living people there outside of the einherjar is incredible.  All this time I have dreamed of going to Ysgard, meeting with the gods, and there are those who have already made it there, who live alongside them!  I have fought beside her in battle and she is possessed of tremendous strength and valor.  It is my honor to fight at her side.

As I wrote before, I spoke with Leyana about the Unseelie, and she elaborated a bit more on the Unseelie perspective.  There is no one standard of behavior among Unseelie, she says, and that Unseelie act as cruel as they do owes not to any inherent evil, as we might expect from those lower-planes fiends, but because they represent winter, in both its harshness and, at times, its gentleness, which accounts for the diversity of behavior, and presumably her own friendliness.  The Seelie are not friendly to the last being, however - a fact we of Midgard know only too well - and they are more than happy to cast the Unseelie in the worst possible light.  Courtly politics are rife among both, and those with the most favors owed to them stand above their peers.  In fact, Leyana claims that much of mortal courtly politics are inherited from those of fey...which is a rather dubious claim, but does highlight the sense of, if not arrogance, then paternalism among the fey of both courts.

If you know a friend you can fully trust,
Go often to his house
Grass and brambles grow quickly
Upon the untrodden track.

It is in this spirit that I have named Sharon Raynsford sword-sister, as close to me as my own blood.  We have fought together, bled together, triumphed together, for a long time, even before my involvement in Aria.  It was we who set right a vigilante werebear, good though his intentions were, stopping him from turning guilty men into more of his kind and forcing them into repentance without true contrition, and bringing them to face true justice at the hands of those they wronged.  It was we who, along with Selenda and Jaeyna and others, faced Salarak and slew him (or so we thought...), tending to each others' physical and spiritual well-being along the way.  It was we who rescued both Jaeyna and Selenda from the Caledrians before they could be captured or killed - Hel, it was Sharon, working with Katani, who found Jaeyna in the first place, and were it not for her quick thinking during the battle for Rahuko, Selenda would have perished!  None of this is to discount the contributions of the ones who have stood with us along the way, but the bond between us is strong, and I have done her a disservice by not recognizing it until now.  She is compassionate and clever, a worthy ally and a true friend, and I will back her to the hilt.  As with Selenda and the Golden Sphere of the Aumaati, she has given me a similar token of her friendship, a holy symbol of Selune.  I had it threaded and I shall wear it among the others, a symbol of the common values and experiences we share.

What's more, I have none of the existential issues with Sharon that I have with Selenda and Jaeyna.  Her goddess, Selune, has made her home in Ysgard, at the Gates of the Moon - so if all powers involved are willing, I will see Sharon again at the end of our lives, assuming I die gloriously.  Nor are there any uncertainties as to our relationship.  I am not quite sure how close I am to Selenda, and seek for her to become my kertilsvein to bring more definition to our relationship if nothing else, but with Sharon, there is no question; she is no less than an equal, a partner, a true friend and staunch ally, and worlds will tremble - and have trembled - at our approach.  Fighting together as we have will have been the closest thing yet to achieving the dream I had involving Jaeyna and Selenda.  (As an aside, it seems all of my closest friends are women.  Beautiful women at that.  I am not certain how to take this, although I am adamant that I can keep my sword sheathed, no matter Yaropolk's claims to the contrary.)

Because I seemingly cannot go a single entry without mentioning those two, Selenda is still recovering from her injuries.  I know she eagerly wishes to recover and return to her people, as surely as I do, but I must admit, it has been good having her around, bringing me some sense of security for the nonce.  I always miss those two sorely when they are absent.  Although she deserves the time she needs to consider my offer, the anticipation is grating.  The heady optimistic feeling I felt from seeing Jaeyna and Selenda reconcile has dissipated, and more sobering thoughts now come to me.  I am not as certain now as I was before.  Doubt, doubt, doubt.

All I can think of is how things can, or will, go wrong - Salarak returning to life, using Selenda and the other shardbearers as unwilling - or worse, willing - conduits.  She nearly perished from over-use of the shard, and Salarak clearly took advantage of her anger, her pain, and her uncertainty to isolate her and make it seem as though she could trust no one but him.  Damaged as he is, he strikes me as one to both lash out in any manner possible against those who have harmed him - including Selenda, Sharon, and myself - and patiently bide his time until he can return to the world of the living, whole again.  And now, not only are there six others exposed to that same influence, but she is considering taking up another shard.  What manner of person would, after being enslaved and then freed, willingly accept such shackles to be placed back on them?  Selenda may be sword-sister, but I have no faith in her claim that she will not be required to make as much use of the shard now.  At the worst, I see her becoming consumed by her doubts, her uncertainty, her pain and anger, and surrendering to the one who has violated her before, in spite of all of our efforts to prevent it, charging toward her own destruction.  This must not happen...what I fear is the possibility that I have made the wrong choice, and it is too late.

So if that is the worst, then what is the best that might happen?  What is it that I wish to see?  I want to see Selenda triumph over that cowardly niding Bernadette and the rest of the Caledrians.  I wish to see her resist the efforts of Salarak, Aukeisier, and all those who would control her.  I wish to see her come to some reckoning with Aukeisier, whether that ends with his destruction or not, for having raped the minds of the Aumaati thousands of years ago, and I wish to see her resist Salarak's influence and destroy him once and for all.  I wish to see her avenge herself against all those who have wronged her, and I wish for her to be able to move on after the fact, whether that involves helping her people at the end of all this or joining Jaeyna and me, helping the dream to come true in some fashion or another.  If my teachings can help her to reach this outcome, then I will offer her everything I know, and if I must die so that she might live, I will gladly give my life.  Is it unrealistic to think that Selenda may not be doomed?

Compared to Selenda, I have almost no worries about Jaeyna.  To help Jaeyna conquer her nightmares, I must needs help Selenda.  Otherwise, she is capable and determined without being consumed by wrath or pain.  I have written on innocence before, and Jaeyna is no stranger to battle or hardship, and her skill with the blade has grown immensely over two years; I have faith in her abilities and her resilience.  Pain has a way of spreading, however.  If Selenda should be lost to us...I can scarcely begin to imagine how it would impact Jaeyna.  I won't let it come to that.

With luck, I shall not have to.  Three has become four.

The young fir that falls and rots
Having neither needles nor bark,
So is the fate of the friendless man:
Why should he live long?

[*Protoss119]

Excerpt from the Journal of Oleg Semonov:

Cherish those near you, never be
The first to break with a friend:
Care gnaws at him who can no longer
Open his heart to another.

A week ago, Christena Claire, the shieldbearer of Epontos and my friend, was defeated and captured along with two others by an Unseelie niding who had amassed a huge host to plunder a prime world.  I had to assume her dead - something that transparently evil would doubtless not spare her.  Three days after, she escaped, having been taken somewhere in Pandemonium, starved and forced to watch helplessly as the Unseelie tortured her friend.  When I saw her in the bazaar, emaciated, caked in blood, her armor shattered, I thought her a revenant, come to haunt me for my failure to stand with her in battle.  When she embraced me and proved very much alive, I nearly wept, and would have were it not for the matter of bringing a comatose third companion to the House of Healing.  When we did, it was all I could do to bring her to Cookie's to see her fed.

It pains me almost as much to write of this as it does for her to experience it, as it was when I wrote of Selenda's possession.  I saw the trauma of her captivity play out on her features, carry in her voice, in her movements.  I thought I knew what she needed to overcome - this Unseelie and hers had wronged her, shamed her by defeating her with poison, by starving her and attacking her pride as a warrior, and so she needed something, a victory, to reestablish her strength and power in the eyes of the gods.  That's what this was about - she was victimized, rendered helpless before dishonor, had her sense of power and identity taken from her.  Others would either brush off her suffering or offer overweening condolence - "oh, you poor soul!" I did neither, and patted myself on the back for taking what I thought was the correct path and offering what I thought she truly needed.  I offered her a sword to take as a symbolic gift of vengeance from the Aesir - she took it, in contrast to Selenda, who did not take up a hammer I offered when we rescued her from Salarak.  But when I offered for her to become my kertilsvein, so I could show her how to manage this trauma and the emotions that came with it, she declined.  I offered her my hospitality at Kolegrad, too, but she only took up residence after a day, and even then preferred her solitude.

I did not understand, and in some ways still do not.  I thought I understood what she was going through.  Long before I came to Sigil, I had made a habit in my travels of helping fellow warriors who had been dishonored through niding's tricks.  It was how I formed my philosophy on vengeance and its remedial potential.  I still remember the first time I offered.  I was 17, having been made a bogatyr just a year before.  I was traveling with a small band led by a Hersir named Guthorm Karsson, and we were dealing with a Huldre who was venting her frustration upon the folk of a small village.  We managed to broker peace between her and the village, but not before Karsson fell under her sway.  She released him as part of the peace, but he, alone among the whole group except for myself, was not satisfied.  He felt humiliated by her, and when we returned to the village, he asked in his rage if there were any who were willing to stand for a man's honor.  I alone was.  He was skeptical at first - I had not really done anything to distinguish myself during the whole expedition - but accepted my companionship.  So we left together, and hunted trolls and other monsters before coming upon her again.  We were at peace, but still he wanted vengeance.  I counseled him to wield word in place of sword, and he spoke to her of his humiliation, his manipulation, his slighted honor and the loss of certainty about his sense of self - he, a mighty warrior up to this point, was forced to falter in his duty and was shamed as a result.  The Huldre's response was...lacking.  Whatever compunctions I felt toward undermining the peace died with her haughtiness and her contempt for mortal men.  So we fought.  It was not easy, but this time I had warded us both against her treacherous seidr, and we slew her.

I would go on to do similar several times more over the course of my travels, even after I was given the rule of Kolegrad and Sovece.  Up until Salarak was revealed to be alive, I thought I had done the same for Selenda.  "I know the heart of a warrior" I said, time and again, and I thought I did.  I did not wish to stand by and watch Christena suffer when I thought myself so certain of what she needed, but she...pushed me away.  Would that I might have cured her of her trauma with a snap of my fingers...

Then she left Kolegrad and seemingly disappeared for a day.  I feared the worst.  The next day, however, I found her in Sigil doing business with Sol, having apparently recovered.  She told me she had still been processing her feelings over what had happened, and that I had been coming on too strongly, although she was adamant that there was nothing to forgive, since I was only trying to help.  I do not know what happened within a day that had caused her to recover so completely, but I had been overhasty in trying to help her, and she needed her own time to come to terms with what had happened.  In any case, she is helping now to rebuild a temple of Athena that had been ravaged by fey, so I need no longer worry about her whereabouts.  She has retaken control of her life well on her own.  It's too bad that I was not able to help more in that regard, but it also could mean I underestimated her resilience.

The whole episode made me realize how much Christena means to me.  I have named Christena Claire my sword-sister, as close to me as my own blood.  As best as I am able, I will stand with her to the end.  Whatever qualms I held about involving myself in Olympian affairs are gone; my sword-kin shall not stand alone, no matter what powers stand in the way.  She is an embodiment of the wonder of the multiverse, that men of disparate backgrounds can find so much about each other that is similar and fight for similar notions of honor and justice.  It is a declaration, but it is also an investment.  I would know her better, if she would allow it.

How is this happening?  First Jaeyna, then Selenda, then Sharon, and now Christena.  I came to Sigil, thinking it would be as it was in Midgard, where acquaintances would be fleeting, lasting only for the duration of the task at hand.  Odin is looking for warriors to join him in Valhalla, and so I like to think that he and his brothers made Midgard harsh to challenge us, but the hardness of my heart came not from any cruelty of the world, but from loneliness.  Warriors are often alone, both because they hold themselves to higher standards, and because the wanderings of a warrior, of an errant knight, make friendships fleeting.  Men die in battle or move on, so why establish anything close?  I accepted that, even moreso when I became Župan and found myself truly above my peers.  My druzhina is comprised of my greatest warriors, not my closest friends.  We are bound by a commitment to the people of Kolegrad and Sovece, and the people of Russ more generally.  I thought it would be more of the same in Sigil.

Yet I come and see the same faces every day, the faces of those whose companionship I have come to cherish, those who I would fight and die for.  Jaeyna once told me, before swearing me to secrecy over a vision she saw while she was still a seer, that Selenda was very protective of those she cared about, to the point that Jaeyna feared that she would not allow her to take the field if she knew of the vision.  (Incidentally, I wonder if I am still bound by that oath.  The vision has ceased to be relevant, since the event has come and gone, but it could cause complications between the two of them if Selenda finds out another way.)  I wonder if I am not becoming that same way.  I know for a fact that I am changing, that my time among the planes has changed me - softened me, I suspect.  I kept my feelings close for the longest time, and now my passions are all tumbling out.  How did this happen?

My sword-kin are comprised of those who would give their lives to save the innocent or those close to them.  But I do not want them to die!  I love them - Jaeyna for her wisdom and beauty, Selenda and Christena for their honor and sense of justice, Sharon for her cleverness and for all she has done for me, all of them for their compassion.  I am more at peace with that than before.  Whether I can summon the courage to say so to their faces, however, remains another matter, because the fact remains that my closest friends are entirely comprised of beautiful women, and I cannot rule out attractiveness as a factor in my affections for them, even if my affections are wholly platonic, with the exception of Jaeyna.  Selenda is widowed, Sharon is married, I suspect Christena is likely to take it as an advance towards her even though that is not at all what I wish from her, and Jaeyna is my woman already, as I am her man.  I cannot go making declarations of love so frivolously because they're likely to take it the wrong way.  But I do feel protective of them, the way a sibling or even a parent is.

As I doubtless name more and more people to be my sword-kin, I realize I cannot stand with them all at once, nor would I wish to force them by my side; they are my friends, not a leidang.  I look back on all I've written thus far, and I think back to the dream I had involving Jaeyna and Selenda.  I wonder if it would not be possible to build a place, both for us and for other warriors, to train and to work through their issues, their traumas and shames, without being decried as weak.  Others lionize survival, the heroic suffering and escape, but it is still suffering.  That was what was going through my mind when I tried to offer my help to Christena.  If there is more than one path to recovery of the sense of power and surety that comes with being a warrior, then I should have that path open to others.  Perhaps my way of recovery does not work for a warrior - if not, then perhaps Christena's way might.

Were it within my power, no man would suffer, anywhere, ever.

Ah!  It seems I have nearly gone two entries without mentioning my beloved brother, Yaropolk.  I have a very special message for him if he has managed to reach the end of this drivel:

BEGONE.

[*Protoss119]

Excerpt from the Journal of Oleg Semonov:

I've no wish to spend a great deal of time writing, but one might consider this an addendum to the previous entry.  Things have been quiet.  I have been raiding the lower planes, for glory, for revenge, and for riches - in that fashion, I have not been so different from the vikings I claim to despise, although there are no innocents among the lower-planes fiends I fight, and they are quite literally made of evil, in contrast to most living creatures in Midgard.  I am not certain how that works, but then, there is still much about the planes I do not understand.  All the same, I feel very much justified in what I am doing.

Christena told me not to dwell on it, but dwell I have.  My thoughts have been consumed by anger, inflamed by the need for vengeance, the desire for redress.  Innocents suffered for the incompetence of a few, and my sword-sister has no means for redress, and must settle for - what?  The coddling embrace of those of her faith?  She deserves better!  All I can think of is how I would have handled such a thing, were our places exchanged.  Escape - survival - is not enough!  To avenge my honor in the eyes of gods and men would be paramount.  I would sooner have stayed to kill all those who had tortured me, even if it would mean my death.  I would sooner speed my journey to Valhalla than scurry away like a beaten cur!  My honor is my life!

I suppose that is all bitter pride talking.  I do not know what happened that allowed Christena to recover.  I guess I am still smarting at how I had no hand in it.  I don't know.  Perhaps there is a lesson in this.  I thought I knew how best to help Christena recover, and I was wrong.  But I do know what it would take for me to recover from a slight against my honor - revenge, and soon.  Not for me the coddling pity of fair-weather friends, but the spray of warm blood on my face.  The gods have no use for those who are weak in spine, and men turn away from those who fortune has abandoned.  It is necessary - I not only need to avenge myself, but also to establish that luck is still with me and I am still worthy of the gods' favor.  Maybe applying that standard to others is not ideal, but those who would deny me my vengeance are no friends of mine!  I would not do as Christena did, I thought - I would be strong.  And for the briefest moment, to my shame, I regretted naming her my sword-sister.

Then last night, as I slept, I was visited by a dream.  It was me, Christena, and another I cannot clearly remember - only that he had been shamed by mind-bending sorcery and sought to avenge himself - and we were traveling through Minauros, fighting Baatezu in a swampy forest, wading through brackish waters that went up to our knees.  Despite the conditions, the baggage of the past was gone; only the purity of battle remained, the joy of standing beside my sword-kin.  We were unassailable.  And when I woke, I felt better.

And I realized then that the fault was mine.  This image of Christena as a forever-broken warrior, forever denied what she needs to truly recover, was a figment of my imagination.  I had failed her.  I stood with her when things were easy, but when times were truly dire, I was nowhere to be found.  One thing I discovered when we fought against Salarak was that it was possible to be a great warrior and a terrible friend - one whose honor is beyond question but who neglects his friendships.  One of the reasons I wish to make Selenda my kertilsvein, on top of everything else, is that it gives me the chance to make up for lost time in that regard, to make up for ignoring one who by rights I should have called a friend at the very beginning.  But I will not be a poor friend to Christena.

I think when next I see her, I will invite her to join me in battle - anywhere, really, large or small - in the hopes of recapturing the same spirit from my dream.  No angst, no troubles from the past - just the pure joy of two friends demolishing all who stand before us.

Bah.  Looking back on all of these entries - am I that maudlin all the time?

Wise in measure should each man be;
but let him not wax too wise;
seldom a heart will sing with joy
if the owner be all too wise.

[*Protoss119]

Excerpt from the Journal of Oleg Semonov:

I have been spending more time with Leyana for the past week or so.  It seems she has recently undergone a ritual of some sort, forced upon her by a treacherous Unseelie rival, who baited a foppish Seelie and his "pets" from Krigala into attacking her.  The blood of the Seelie awakened an artifact she was carrying, which demanded a sacrifice, but she chose to sacrifice the Unseelie woman instead of Sharon.  The ritual seems to have granted her new powers...and a new interest in the way of war.  I was only too happy to provide her with weapons, and happier still to take to the field with her a while afterwards, fighting in Pandemonium.  She even enchanted a pair of magical boots I bought to make them even more effective in keeping me afoot.  (No, Yaropolk, they are not cursed.)  For these, I name her friend, as esteemed in my eye as Sharon was before I named her sword-sister.

Fighting together was the last great hurdle needing to be overcome before that could happen.  It's true that we were on good terms before - after all, if Sharon loves her, she cannot be so bad - but an acquaintance, too, can be friendly in speech and tone, only to reveal his true allegiance and abandon or even act against you when times are dire.  One only knows a man's measure through battle, be it side-by-side or against one another.  In battle, I have seen friendly men turn into rogues or simpering cowards, and harsh men become stalwart brothers manning the shield wall.  In addition, Leyana has a tendency sometimes to bounce off of the wall and engage in mischief.  Maybe that sort of thing is acceptable among friends, but she still seemed a stranger to me before now.  I confessed to Sharon my worry that conflict between me and Leyana would drive a wedge between us.  No longer.  I know her measure in battle now, and she is a fierce fighter.  It is my honor to call her friend.

I have been continuing my raids in the Lower Planes.  Having looked back, given my wish to die honorably than suffer shame, or die in stead of my friends and loved ones, I believe it past time to compose a tentative will in case I should make good on such a wish, contingent upon the recovery of my personal effects.

The rule of Kolegrad and Sovece shall, pending the approval of my King, pass to Jaeyna Silmist of Rahvas Udu, and she shall receive the rights, duties, and incomes of her new station, regardless of whether or not we are betrothed or married at the time of my death.  I know it is her desire to explore Midgard and the planes when these troubles are over.  Let the steward of Kolegrad act as they always have, and administer these lands while Jaeyna is away.

Should Selenda Alenar prove just, honorable, and true in word and deed, as she has always been prior to this writing, I grant her my arms and armor, so that she might continue her sacred mission and defeat Caledria, Salarak, Aukeisier, and all others who stand against her.  Should she have accepted my offer to become my kertilsvein past this writing, I name her bogatyr, and vest her with the power to dispense justice wherever she sees fit, in the lands of Russ, Aumaa, and beyond.

All the spoils I have collected pertaining to the seidr shall pass to Sharon Raynsford and Leyana, as thanks for all their work over the years.

All remaining arms and armor, including those I have collected as spoils of war, shall pass to Christena Claire of Epontos, so that she might succeed in her quest to free Persephone from Hades' curse and punish all tormentors, hers and others'.

A sum of 25,000 geld shall pass to stewart Yekaterina for her many long years of service.  The remainder shall be donated to the treasury of Kolegrad, for the benefit of the community.

The lame can ride horse, the handless drive cattle,
the deaf one can fight and prevail,
'tis happier for the blind than for him on the bale-fire,
but no man hath care for a corpse.

This from the Allfather, so eager to see as many brave warriors enter his hall as possible, the better to strengthen his numbers when Ragnarök comes.  Looking back, now the decision to draft my will seems premature.  (Yes, Yaropolk, you get nothing.  At least for the nonce.)  Still, better to have something for the future if I am so willing to meet a heroic death.  I will bring a final draft to my scribe at Kolegrad - by that time, the details will be more solid.  For now, at least, I intend to continue living - both for the sake of my lover and my sword-kin, and because there are still battles to be fought, and with them, honor and glory heaped upon my name.

[Protoss119]

Almost a week ago, I brought a poisoner into the Harmonium barracks. This man, this niding, was responsible for spiking Reina's drink with meteoric iron, apparently on the orders of a Raul Hefler. The others I went with were inclined to let the man go at first after Dace Andor was finished interrogating him - even Reina, who only did so after punching him in the face - but I could not stand the thought of a niding like him escaping justice, of failing to demonstrate the price of dishonor, and resolved to take him to the barracks, with or without his consent.

This brought me into conflict with Katani, who would rather have let the man go free. No violence came of it, since the man attempted to escape and Katherine and I subdued him, but I regret that it happened. I respect Katani - she helped us find Jaeyna and bring her to safety, and I will always be grateful for that - but still, I had to see justice done. I had to see dishonorable behavior punished, and bringing him to the barracks was the rightful way to do so in a place where the Harmonium's law is so pervasive. Nonetheless, we have reconciled, so what's done is done.

A day after that, the bardess Tavia discovered a portal leading to some manner of...alternate Sigil, one in which the Harmonium rule all and who have turned to the summoning of devils to cement their power. She, Dace and Sasha Andor, two others, and I were part of a raiding party that went there, and we collected evidence of this alternate Harmonium's existence. Based on what Sharon has told me, it may be that whoever ordered Reina's poisoning may be from this alternate Sigil, and did not intend "our" Reina as their target.

I stumbled on both of these incidents by pure chance. It was not my wish to involve myself in the politics of Sigil, but as Sharon once said, that sort of thing seems inevitable. That should be evident from the attention I seem to be getting, all for having brought a prisoner to the barracks. I could do without it. Twice now I have tried to wash my hands of this whole business. The wellbeing of Jaeyna and Selenda is my primary concern. Still, I named Sharon my sword-sister, and so I made a commitment to stand with her in times of trouble.

I also finally heard what happened that allowed Christena to regain her confidence, from the lips of Tavia who had been there with her, no less. Apparently they had been asked to retake a temple of Athena, which had fallen into the hands of an Unseelie nymph and a man she bewitched to make it so. The man was rescued from that fey's vile domination, and from the sound of it, Athena herself appeared before them, ready to condemn the man to exile. Christena managed to persuade her to change her mind and allow him to atone within society. To commune with one's god directly is one thing, but to change their mind once it is set? That is a feat all its own. In hindsight, nothing I could offer could compare to what Athena herself can do for her.

Christena did not mention any of this when I asked her a few months ago, saying only that she had "help." When I asked her forgiveness for not being the friend she needed, she told me to put it out of my mind. I was content to let her keep her silence, then. I was through picking at old wounds then, and I am through now.

More importantly, Christena has forged a mighty sword for me - Solutam, it is called, and on the flat of the blade is engraved in her language "Unfettered and Unrelenting". It is forged of metalline, and Leyana and later Tavia enchanted it to become even more potent. No foe has been able to resist the bite of this blade, especially not the denizens of the lower planes. This is a sword meant for heroes, and made by a hero's hand! Admittedly, I should have liked to have named it myself, something to recall the sword Sigurd used to slay Fafnir, Gram or Balmung or Nothung or something. Oh well. If I should ever become a smith myself, I am sure I could name my weapons whatever I want. As it is, Solutam is of Christena's homeland and of her people, and I am proud to bear it and bring honor to them.

I have also heard more evidence of the Aesir getting involved in the planes. Katherine and a few others met a man named Grimnir in the Outlands, who bid them to aid a warrior in repelling the living dead and Baatezu. I know my sagas. Grimnir is the guise of none other than Odin, the Allfather, who took that guise while visiting King Geirroth. Geirroth was given ill counsel and thought Grimnir a witch come to ensorcel him, and so he imprisoned and tortured him for eight days and eight nights. But the king's son, Agnarr, was the only one to come to his aid, and on the ninth day, Grimnir revealed his true identity and cursed King Geirroth. In his haste to correct his mistake, Geirroth stumbled and impaled himself on his sword, whereupon Agnarr became king and Grimnir vanished.

There are others out there meeting the gods themselves. Katherine even provided me a sketch of Grimnir that she drew - an old man with an eyepatch and a long, white beard. He is missing his hat, and I am not certain about the eyepatch, but otherwise it matches all I have heard of Odin's appearance. Apart from Grimnir, I have met another woman from Ysgard, Shanna Valkyrian, who claims to hail from Odin's own hall, and a dragonborn named Graxis, who hails from Ysgard as well. It will be an honor to fight by their side when the time comes.

The main reason that I write this, however, is because I have been in thought in between battles. I remember Selenda commenting that I have little respect for Aumaa's leadership. That is admittedly true. The former Coronal, Elluin Olanan is the standout example, but I am not much fonder of their current one, Ayduin Maghana. Maghana is Valenai, and he in particular seems to be most insistent of all on using the shards, nevermind calling for Jaeyna's capture to begin with when she absconded with them. I am not incredibly fond of commander Ruvaen, either, since he pressured Selenda into revealing our whereabouts and then attempted to lead his own pursuit of Jaeyna to have her captured. I understand he was under orders, but it is still not something I appreciate. Nonetheless, Selenda says he is a good man. I think I will inquire more about him, since I do not believe this is the last I will see of him.

Ruvaen also reminds me of another commander I met two years ago, when we made our expedition into Tume'auk. His name was Tavel Arrand, and he was under orders from the Coronal to attempt a double-cross and find the fountain for themselves, instead of allowing the Irongul dwarves and Aumaati to find it together and hold it more or less jointly, not to mention bringing word that Selenda was to be forced into a marriage that would end her role as Seeker. My anger was so great at the time that I actually called him a niding for undermining my word. I still managed to defuse the situation, however, and after Salarak's return, he became a very important ally, leading what he called the Aumaati Resistance. I regret my words to him, then. He proved himself a worthy ally. I wonder if he is still alive. Frankly he is one of perhaps two Aumaati alive that I know of who are worthy of leadership, the other being Selenda herself.

And I have been thinking of Triana lately, oddly enough. I remember during our third expedition to Tume'auk, when we set out to find Salarak's bones so that we might forge them into weapons. That was when Triana killed that prisoner we took. It was also where Triana herself was knocked off of a bridge by Salarak, and thought lost to us, only to appear, bruised but alive, in Argent's spelljammer. Everyone was overjoyed to see her but myself. As long as I thought her dead, I was willing to give the dead their due, but now that she was alive, I resumed being angry at her. I quickly excused myself.

Not long after, when I was hosting Selenda and Jaeyna at Kolegrad, I told them what happened, and confessed my doubts about going on if we would all be reduced to niding's work in the end. Jaeyna remarked that war was never glorious, and that atrocities happen on both sides of a conflict, and that only afterwards would one have the opportunity to atone. Putting aside my disagreement with that statement, I thought it was directed to me - after all, if I stood by and did nothing, I was abetting this crime. But now I wonder if instead it was directed towards her.

How many times have I looked upon, or thought of Triana, and saw only that dead prisoner? Or the notion of her doing so to Valitu, however deserving of it he may have been? How many times have I seen that, and nothing else about her? Does she regret killing the prisoner? Does she regret what her hatred of Valitu almost made her do? There are commonalities between me and Selenda, I feel, but few such commonalities exist between me and Triana. But as Triana was when Nassur died, Selenda is in mourning, and she told me she has difficulty looking on a Caledrian and seeing anything except the murder of her husband. "She's trying" she told me, when it came to what I assume to be trying to see past that grief and that anger. "We're all trying." And so we are.

[Protoss119]

Royal Correspondence:

To His Royal Highness, King Ivan Kasmir I

My King,

I hope this finds you in health and happiness. I write to inform you that I have taken Selenda Alenar as my kertilsvein. Selenda Alenar hails from Aumaa, a nation of alfar from the prime world of Aria. Her people are undergoing a period of strife and conflict, fighting for their lives against a human empire known as Caledria. She is already well-trained and honorable, and cultivating Aumaa as an ally of Russ would greatly increase our security both from extraplanar threats and from disaster and possibly conquest by our enemies at home. She is currently recovering from injuries sustained in battle, and I have been nursing her back to health. When she is recovered, I will begin training her in the ways of Russ as she and I continue to fight this war.

I also humbly ask your permission to marry Jaeyna Silmist, another alf from the nation of Rahvas Udu, of that same world. She has extensive command of the seidr, and I have trained her to wield the sword just as well. She is also captain of a ship capable of sailing the skies themselves, and carries cannon to bombard the enemy from above. Such a ship would be capable not only of defending our lands, but also of revolutionizing warfare in all Midgard, the same way the Ruolings did when they first set black powder to spark.

I know what I ask sounds outlandish. Certainly it is unprecedented. This portal we have found, this City of Doors - all of this has thrown our assumptions of the world into question. I have carried out your command to explore what lies beyond this portal faithfully. In doing so, however, I have made connections with others that bring benefit to Russ, but also which have changed my life forever. Although my offspring with Jaeyna would be of alfish heritage, I swear that I shall raise them honorably, so that they may one day come to the service of Russ.

I remain your humble servant,
ᛟᛚᛖᚷ ᛊᛖᛗᛟᚾᛟᚢ
Oleg Semonov
Honored Brother of the Holy Order of Russ
Župan of Kolegrad and Sovece

Excerpt from the Journal of Oleg Semonov:

She accepts!!!

I have taken Selenda on as my kertilsvein. After we returned to the keep and I left her company, I went out into the wilderness on my own and shouted and jumped and danced with joy. I don't think I recall a time where I've ever been so happy, except when Jaeyna told me she loved me. If anyone had seen me there, they would have thought me mad!

Selenda is already ambulatory. Once she has recovered her strength, I shall train her in the ways of Russ. She is already skilled in the ways of combat, but I would be foolish to neglect it nonetheless, and in any case, there may yet still be room to improve, possibly for the both of us. (No, Yaropolk, she already knows how to dodge.) I shall tutor her in tactics and strategy, so that she may lead armies to victory. I shall teach her of politics and governance, so that she may bring this war to a successful conclusion and build a lasting peace. I shall teach her the histories of the people of Midgard, so that she may learn from our example. I shall tell her of the Aesir, so that with Aukeisier and Salarak both being unacceptable, she may yet turn to others for guidance.

I am not certain how much patience she would have for the last, not when the most immediate concern is saving her people from destruction. Whatever else I can say about them, the shards have brought Aumaa to the point of parity with Caledria. Defeating the kurja will free up Rahvas Udu to aid Aumaa as well, and Jermania is already committed. The Ironguls and Vatassi are occupied with the remnants of the Salan'jai, but the presence of Thalladen and Triana tells me that they would be willing to commit to our cause nonetheless.

Which means at some point, I must turn my attention to the matter of Salarak and Aukeisier. I have written before that the foundation of nearly all of Selenda's beliefs and identity have been proven false or flawed in some way. Whatever his reasons, Aukeisier was false. He espoused goodness, justice, and honor, but failed to embody them; worse, he forced his conception of honor and justice upon the ancient Aumaati in a manner befitting a niding. But there are all manner of powers representing the cause of honor and justice - including Rurik, Tyr, and Thor, among others - and belief has power. Despite what she says, I do not think she has given up on honor and justice, nor does she want to.

And that is where the sagas come into play. All are true, even if the heroes and deeds are exaggerated in the telling, and all reveal the harshness of the world and the inevitability of one's death - but men march on anyway, facing their deaths nobly, winning fame and a place in Valhalla as their deeds live forever. Honor and justice have meaning to people, even for all of Midgard's indifference and the cruelty of men. The sagas are not easy hearing - there is no intrinsic reward for doing that which is right, and sometimes living by drengskapr may cost you greatly, but that does not mean that the honorable way is without meaning or benefit.

Taking Selenda as my kertilsvein does much to fulfill my desires. It allows us to counter Salarak's influence, even in a small way. It allows Selenda to grow as a leader, so that she need not rely wholly on the shards. It brings definition to our relationship, and allows me to make up for lost time, and give her the attention an honorable warrior deserves. Yet it also demands that I reflect and recognize those flaws within me that would make me an imperfect mentor.

Most of all, I must give her my patience. I have been proud in the past, and stubborn - like her, in fact. At times, my pride has threatened to overwhelm my sense, and drive me to rash anger. This cannot be the case with Selenda. If she stumbles and falls, I must help her back to her feet. If she slights me, I must forgive her, not take vengeance. That is not an easy thing to ask of anyone, period. But for her and Jaeyna, I would do anything.

Of course, I also must tread carefully, given my...feelings. When I came to a forest clearing near the keep to speak with Selenda, she had been playing a somber tune on a flute. I confess that I was captivated by her playing, and slowed my approach. I only came to my senses after she noticed me. I know the circumstances are not ideal for her, but it has nonetheless been an honor and a joy to host her here.

I asked her about Ruvaen. He was one of those rescued by Tavel's Aumaati Resistance, and participated in the battle of Ilus Taevas, delivering Irongul dwarves into the city's heart. After the Aumaati began splintering into factions, he identified with the Maethori, that faction which held Aukeisier to be false, but that there was still something of value to be found from his teachings. He had nearly convinced Selenda to join them, but her anger at Aukeisier's betrayal burned too hot. There is the danger - that Selenda's anger at Aukeisier and all he represents makes her vulnerable to Salarak's influence, particularly if she is isolated from other influences. That is why taking her on as my kertilsvein was so important.

Ruvaen does not trust us because I am human, an outsider of the same race as the Caledrians. It hurts to hear such. I take full responsibility for my decision to withhold the shards for a time, but does the Golden Sphere around my neck mean nothing? I admit I had written about this before. The pride of the Aumaati was broken by Salarak's possession. A warrior such as him might resent being saved by a stranger, whose quality he does not know. I simply thought I had proven my quality to all Aumaa.

She also clarified her decision to turn Jaeyna over to my keeping. They were not close at the time, but she had been to Sigil before, and observed the planeswalkers around her. When I pointed out that I was new at the time, she said that she had faith in her judgment of character. I think it is fair to say that so far, I have vindicated her decision to entrust me with Jaeyna. I intend to go on vindicating that decision.

Sigil is going to Hel. This business with the "alternate" Sigil seems connected to Fargullen's prophecies and Aoskar, which if true could prove apocalyptic in scope. I have been seeing names I recognize in a prophetic book that I picked up, and Tavia has found badges with the Harmonium symbol superimposed on those of other factions and even faiths. What's worse, a Sorrowsworn demon has been attacking planeswalkers, even outside of Sigil, feeding on their despair and insecurities. I have been warding myself, Jaeyna, and Selenda against evil night and day for as long as one of us are present. I have also begun considering ways to return to Aria that do not involve Sigil, in case the City of Doors should one day be closed to us.

But right now, I have a clear duty to bring Selenda back to health, and then to train her. This is an opportunity that comes only once in a lifetime; something like this has never been attempted before. I must not fail her. By Rurik and the Aesir, I shall not fail her!

Oh, and I have begun selling some of my spoils. The grand opening of Russ Armaments was a great success. The geld and cogs I earned will greatly benefit my people.