((This is all OOC unless you get your hands on the physical IC item))
The Journal of Gwynnithe: On becoming a fey
Day 1:
Cratten: The safer of the two caves in the abyss seems like a usual meeting spot; though I hadnÂ’t expected to run into Cratten so soon. The day before he told me that I wasnÂ’t a friend of his and that was something that needed to be earned despite my telling him that he was mine. Friendship is a big deal to the fey and I was more than a little hurt by the statement. If I wanted to find myself again I knew that this had to be rectified. I couldnÂ’t just let it go because he obviously mattered to me. IÂ’m not sure if it was the free pie he fed me by handÂ… Or all the times heÂ’s stood in front of me protectively in combat; but Crattenelpuss did matter. As the conversation continued I became more and more aware of a certain connection we shared; one that didnÂ’t exist yet, or had always existed. I wasnÂ’t too sure. He told me that he had a secret, a new spell which allowed his skin to take on certain resistances like iron. When it came out as a reminder that he got his powers from spirits and that it wasnÂ’t actually a spell I had an idea. I am in part a spirit, a fey to be specific. There was nothing stopping me from being able to donate power to him too. After proving that my skin had similar properties, if not stronger ones, I offered to give him this power in the place of the spirit that already was. The price? His trustÂ… We would never be friends if he couldnÂ’t trust meÂ… And with part of my being endowed to him I think we will be able to put this behind usÂ… and for my benefit in that Cratten is a strong person. Strong in ways that I need to be for a relationship. His insights may prove integral on my journeyÂ…
Vale: The halberdier Neli and I had seen in the abyss and got angry at was back while I traveled still there. We formed a group together against the fiends and it went well by and largeÂ… However I noticed he had been taking every last piece of valuable goods he could grab before me. I didnÂ’t say anything at firstÂ… I was too shy, too much still in submission mode. Then suddenly a bit later I got the courage to assert myself. He explained to me that we would divide our treasures at the end, putting to rest my worries. I had misjudged himÂ… When we were about to part ways I saw fit to make it up with a proper introduction. We shook hands and exchanged names in a way more formal than IÂ’m used to. Before we left though we got to talking about Ceszar and my attempt on his lifeÂ… as it turns out this Vale cutter who I thought was on CeszarÂ’s employ wanted him off worse than just dead. Taking a page from the book of Neli, I offered to be of service to that end under certain stipulations that suited my interests. The power of assertion is strong and I felt confidant for doing it.
Kalina and the brothers: Kalina and I got a chance to talk, my first since deciding not to leave. She was hesitant because I was sitting here writing but I explained to her that the chat might actually help with it. It seems she is now openly dating Legault. They had kissed, but when I asked how that happened, or what led up to it the answer was not what I had expected. She said “Apparently Legault and I are terrible at keeping our affection hidden.” I got a bit of a smile and laugh out of that and replied “That’s what happens when two people feel strongly about something”. Later I reflected on the words we shared. Neli and I weren’t shy about telling each other what our problems were… We didn’t keep anything in… but I think we felt so strongly about everything we said that it got us to fighting. The things we argued about were important enough to her to yell at me for, and I should have paid them more respect. I just wish she didn’t feel my needs are lesser simply because they’re not bound by traditional logic. I think that was our weakest point in the relationship… We had trouble relating to the things that the other wanted because they weren’t important for ourselves.
Then Kalina told me about the fighting between Legault and Raifael. Even though neither of them likes me I was more than a little sad about it. The three tenets of the heart for a fey are friends, family and love. My own family abandoned me before I was old enough to remember themÂ… My family after that, the knights of arcadia, were a group of orphans that mainly raised me to be their sex toy. Neli was the one who got me past their bit of brainwashing and for that I owe her more than just a thank you. SheÂ’ll probably get it long before reading this. That being said IÂ’ve never had a family of my ownÂ… And never one to cling toÂ… So in the spirit of family I will try and fix the relations between the brothers Degare. I do this not for them, because I donÂ’t care about them in particular. They are however brothers, and owe each other their allegiance for it. I only wish I had a sibling to fight with. Before we parted ways I told Kalina about the beautiful thing Neli said to me just before we parted ways at the waterfall. IÂ’d noticed all along the way my powers waning and gaining strength in relation to how much Neli and I fought. Someone out there other than Neli was angry with me. After Neli gave me what I needed to hear to have the strength to go on my power returned in full and then some. My wards have become a part of me integrally, and I havenÂ’t had to cast them since.
Jach: Jach was being his usual happy self. We did talk briefly about how things went with Neli. I forget what I told him exactlyÂ… I think just generally about the journey IÂ’m taking to make myself someone she can see herself in a relationship with. He told me that a relationship takes two people, and it wasnÂ’t just one of us that made this not work. He implied that Neli should have to have her own journey as well before the two of us can truly reconcile. I reflected upon this later but he was right. At times I was willing to throw down all my values and everything I got hurt by just to be forgiven and okay again. I had forsaken the hardship I faced in our relationship by simply wanting to be together again. I fear to ask Neli anything more at this point, and so I pray silently she is still on that journey, and me on mine.
Ritual: Cratten and I performed the ritual. It wasn’t as difficult as I had thought it would be since we were both on the same headspace to make it work properly. I will leave out the details of what memories Cratten leaked into me… but he was kind enough to share the ones he saw of mine in return. First he heard two voices talking over me. One said to the other something along the lines of “Can we really put her through this? She’s just a child.” The other replied something to the effect of “The elders have said she will never speak the oath of true love if we do not. She will have to suffer for now.” Is this why my parents gave me up? Does that mean I’m going to speak the oath with someone? I can’t recall the memory for the life of me… The next one Cratten told me of I do now remember clearly; now that he’s told me that is. When I was old enough the knights of arcadia would take me to bed as a group. I had long forgotten that once upon a time I was terrified, and played along in the hopes they wouldn’t hurt me… Neli was right after all… They brainwashed me into allowing them to rape me on a regular basis… It’s with a heavy heart that I can no longer visit them and now need a new place to stay. The last memory Cratten heard was simple the word “Charade”. I know she didn’t mean it when she said it, but that could have been the end of our relationship for good right then and there. I think if Neli and I are going to ever be able to be a couple again I’m going to have to forgive her for it for real, and not just let it slide.
Gwyn's Journal: On Becoming a Fey
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 1 (continued)
Raifael: I came to him in earnest trying to get him to talk about his father and his failing relationship with Legault. He was resistant at bestÂ… And while I tried to give him a feyish side, hoping that he would come around he just told me I was being childish. I think this is my first real failure on my journey. For what itÂ’s worth I felt that some of the things he expressed reminded me of my own life. IÂ’m still going to work on this.
Teir: The other night when Teir told me we needed to talk I was skepticalÂ… Though when I saw him standing alone by the wall of the outside bar I took a chanceÂ… He told me something I didnÂ’t quite expect to hear, and IÂ’m not convinced that itÂ’s truth. While I knew Neli didnÂ’t hold much interest for him romantically it was worse than just using him for sexÂ… She was trying to hurt me according to him. I explained in return that it made some sense given that Neli knew by name he was one of the people after her during our relationship that made me insecure. Surprisingly enough IÂ’m not madÂ… IÂ’m just growing concerned that maybe Neli isnÂ’t the right woman for meÂ… Is she really that spiteful? One useful piece of advice that he gave me after reading my journal to a certain point was to make sure this whole growth process is something for myself and not for Neli. IÂ’ll admit that I plan on handing her this once itÂ’s done so she can see who IÂ’ve becomeÂ… But I really do want to find my fey side again and understand myself in a new way.
Kalina, the Artificier, the brothers: Some jerk was trying to demand LegaultÂ’s time when he was with Kalina. I gave him such an earful that he decided to walk off; wellÂ… Dom helped too. I overreacted to be honest, but there was still this latent resentment over how busy Neli used to beÂ… and I really want Kalina and Legault to make this work.
My outfit: I decided to wear this old outfit I liked a long time ago. A black and red
corset with laced up legs. Neli didnÂ’t like the laces and I never hesitated in picking a new outfit. I think itÂ’s about time I wore what I wanted to.
Nicholas: HereÂ’s a loaded topic if there ever was oneÂ… Nick told me he liked me. I explained things to him calmly because he was already so nervous. I told him we could dateÂ… but he needed to understand a few things first. There is a girl he also likes named SunnyÂ… If he wants to date me talking to her first is a good idea; I donÂ’t know if sheÂ’ll be hurt. Secondly he needed to know that I still love Neli deeply, and if she and I were ever ready for one another again I made it clear IÂ’d likely take her back. Lastly I told him there was no way we were going to have sex until I was sure there would never be a hope with Neli AND with her permission. He took it pretty wellÂ… and I got the impression heÂ’s going to talk to this Sunny girl. StillÂ… he looked terrified of meÂ… I told him to move over a seat in his booth and came to sit beside him. I reassured him a couple times that I wasnÂ’t going to hurt him physically or emotionally, and that he just needed to relax. One hand stroking the back of his neck, this actually wasnÂ’t as big a challenge as I was expecting. My living situation is currently up in the air. I was going to stay with Neli on account of what the knights had done, coupled with my fear of being alone. I just feel safer with someone nearbyÂ… and when I told Nick he offered to share his room. We discussed that a bit to get the specifics down. In the end I offered to cuddle with him over the coversÂ… and promised that heÂ’d get a very relaxing sleep out of it. To his credit he was a perfect gentleman and didnÂ’t take advantageÂ… This makes me wonder where this is actually goingÂ… Good night Nick. I told you to think long about the consequences of pursuing this; I hope nobody gets hurt.
Raifael: I came to him in earnest trying to get him to talk about his father and his failing relationship with Legault. He was resistant at bestÂ… And while I tried to give him a feyish side, hoping that he would come around he just told me I was being childish. I think this is my first real failure on my journey. For what itÂ’s worth I felt that some of the things he expressed reminded me of my own life. IÂ’m still going to work on this.
Teir: The other night when Teir told me we needed to talk I was skepticalÂ… Though when I saw him standing alone by the wall of the outside bar I took a chanceÂ… He told me something I didnÂ’t quite expect to hear, and IÂ’m not convinced that itÂ’s truth. While I knew Neli didnÂ’t hold much interest for him romantically it was worse than just using him for sexÂ… She was trying to hurt me according to him. I explained in return that it made some sense given that Neli knew by name he was one of the people after her during our relationship that made me insecure. Surprisingly enough IÂ’m not madÂ… IÂ’m just growing concerned that maybe Neli isnÂ’t the right woman for meÂ… Is she really that spiteful? One useful piece of advice that he gave me after reading my journal to a certain point was to make sure this whole growth process is something for myself and not for Neli. IÂ’ll admit that I plan on handing her this once itÂ’s done so she can see who IÂ’ve becomeÂ… But I really do want to find my fey side again and understand myself in a new way.
Kalina, the Artificier, the brothers: Some jerk was trying to demand LegaultÂ’s time when he was with Kalina. I gave him such an earful that he decided to walk off; wellÂ… Dom helped too. I overreacted to be honest, but there was still this latent resentment over how busy Neli used to beÂ… and I really want Kalina and Legault to make this work.
My outfit: I decided to wear this old outfit I liked a long time ago. A black and red
corset with laced up legs. Neli didnÂ’t like the laces and I never hesitated in picking a new outfit. I think itÂ’s about time I wore what I wanted to.
Nicholas: HereÂ’s a loaded topic if there ever was oneÂ… Nick told me he liked me. I explained things to him calmly because he was already so nervous. I told him we could dateÂ… but he needed to understand a few things first. There is a girl he also likes named SunnyÂ… If he wants to date me talking to her first is a good idea; I donÂ’t know if sheÂ’ll be hurt. Secondly he needed to know that I still love Neli deeply, and if she and I were ever ready for one another again I made it clear IÂ’d likely take her back. Lastly I told him there was no way we were going to have sex until I was sure there would never be a hope with Neli AND with her permission. He took it pretty wellÂ… and I got the impression heÂ’s going to talk to this Sunny girl. StillÂ… he looked terrified of meÂ… I told him to move over a seat in his booth and came to sit beside him. I reassured him a couple times that I wasnÂ’t going to hurt him physically or emotionally, and that he just needed to relax. One hand stroking the back of his neck, this actually wasnÂ’t as big a challenge as I was expecting. My living situation is currently up in the air. I was going to stay with Neli on account of what the knights had done, coupled with my fear of being alone. I just feel safer with someone nearbyÂ… and when I told Nick he offered to share his room. We discussed that a bit to get the specifics down. In the end I offered to cuddle with him over the coversÂ… and promised that heÂ’d get a very relaxing sleep out of it. To his credit he was a perfect gentleman and didnÂ’t take advantageÂ… This makes me wonder where this is actually goingÂ… Good night Nick. I told you to think long about the consequences of pursuing this; I hope nobody gets hurt.
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 2:
Neli and I: After a lot of agonizing I decided the best thing to do was talk to Neli about what Teir said. At face value I owe her a lot more than him and couldnÂ’t simply accept what he told me as truth. Every part of my being wanted to cry to a friend for helpÂ… and when I found a friend he gave me exactly what I needed. The answer of another timeÂ… which gave me the space to wait until I could talk to Neli herself. Teir had muddled the truth again in an effort to keep us from fixing thingsÂ… He lied to me about his intentions. We talked in brief about vengeance, and Neli had given me two options. The first seemed mild to me and a little hurtful towards myself. She would explain to Teir that he is not to interfere in the matters of Neli and Gwyn, and furthermore make it clear what he and she are to each other. She would however still be with him despite all the pain he has caused us. The other alternative was the vengeful side, where we would wedge a knife in between Teir and Amir. It didnÂ’t even take half a second for me to decide. Amir is innocent, and I love him dearly as a friend. Uncharacteristically I didnÂ’t ask for a third optionÂ… Neli gave me two choices and I picked the only one I could while keeping my heart intact. It warms my heart to know that I will not sacrifice my values in this matterÂ… and makes me a little surer of what kind of person I am.
The rest of the conversation went quite well and I think sheÂ’s warming up to me a bit even though she wonÂ’t admit it. We spoke briefly about my encounter with those locked away memories and of course about Nick. She advised me against it; her opinion is clear that his interest isnÂ’t in me specifically but in finding comfort in someone. First things first, I donÂ’t even know what he plans to decideÂ… but if it comes to that he and I are going to need some further discussion. Nick has endeared himself to me eternally for the words that broke my heart in the right way while Neli and I were fightingÂ… IÂ’m not going to discount him just because she knows him better.
Me, myself and I: IÂ’m on the second day of my journey and already I feel healthier. I donÂ’t have all the answers as to who I am and who I aim to be but IÂ’m learning at an alarming rate. I think the severity of the gap between Neli and I pushed me into action for the start. Perhaps I had to lose what I wanted most to be willing to grow in this wayÂ… I like the changes IÂ’m seeing. I cry a lot less, I think a little harder, and as people are opening up to me in their own way IÂ’m discovering that sheÂ’s not the only one who people like. The whole thing with Teir threw me off, granted; am I really accountable for people trying to trick me? Do I have to intrinsically trust people less? If I donÂ’t have the insights to see through such petty scheming IÂ’m going to wind up hurting Neli in the process. This seems stupid even as IÂ’m writing it but IÂ’m going to do something nice for Amir simply for saying he was tired and wanted to go to bed. His sleepiness gave me a big key in sorting this all out. My problems with Neli are genuinely with her, and knowing that even one person out there tried to poison my mind puts my hopes in jeopardyÂ… Neli offered back at the waterfall should I have any questions on my journey to come and ask her. I think I might exercise that option first before taking another; in a similar situation anyway.
Jach and I had a little play time last night that I hadnÂ’t written about. Certain people inspire that in me and get it back in return. When I think about all the people I play these games with IÂ’ve come to realizeÂ… ThatÂ’s largely how I show them I care. Its one thing to tease someone for fun, but that just provides humor for everyone around them. To truly play a proper game there has to be a certain magic to it. Considering all the good times we shared, and how we shared them togetherÂ… Neli? YouÂ’re magical. I hope you know that.
*She doodles on the page in a very cliché fashion. Stars, hearts, unicorns, and a rainbow leading to them. Something was clearly on her mind.*
Neli and I: After a lot of agonizing I decided the best thing to do was talk to Neli about what Teir said. At face value I owe her a lot more than him and couldnÂ’t simply accept what he told me as truth. Every part of my being wanted to cry to a friend for helpÂ… and when I found a friend he gave me exactly what I needed. The answer of another timeÂ… which gave me the space to wait until I could talk to Neli herself. Teir had muddled the truth again in an effort to keep us from fixing thingsÂ… He lied to me about his intentions. We talked in brief about vengeance, and Neli had given me two options. The first seemed mild to me and a little hurtful towards myself. She would explain to Teir that he is not to interfere in the matters of Neli and Gwyn, and furthermore make it clear what he and she are to each other. She would however still be with him despite all the pain he has caused us. The other alternative was the vengeful side, where we would wedge a knife in between Teir and Amir. It didnÂ’t even take half a second for me to decide. Amir is innocent, and I love him dearly as a friend. Uncharacteristically I didnÂ’t ask for a third optionÂ… Neli gave me two choices and I picked the only one I could while keeping my heart intact. It warms my heart to know that I will not sacrifice my values in this matterÂ… and makes me a little surer of what kind of person I am.
The rest of the conversation went quite well and I think sheÂ’s warming up to me a bit even though she wonÂ’t admit it. We spoke briefly about my encounter with those locked away memories and of course about Nick. She advised me against it; her opinion is clear that his interest isnÂ’t in me specifically but in finding comfort in someone. First things first, I donÂ’t even know what he plans to decideÂ… but if it comes to that he and I are going to need some further discussion. Nick has endeared himself to me eternally for the words that broke my heart in the right way while Neli and I were fightingÂ… IÂ’m not going to discount him just because she knows him better.
Me, myself and I: IÂ’m on the second day of my journey and already I feel healthier. I donÂ’t have all the answers as to who I am and who I aim to be but IÂ’m learning at an alarming rate. I think the severity of the gap between Neli and I pushed me into action for the start. Perhaps I had to lose what I wanted most to be willing to grow in this wayÂ… I like the changes IÂ’m seeing. I cry a lot less, I think a little harder, and as people are opening up to me in their own way IÂ’m discovering that sheÂ’s not the only one who people like. The whole thing with Teir threw me off, granted; am I really accountable for people trying to trick me? Do I have to intrinsically trust people less? If I donÂ’t have the insights to see through such petty scheming IÂ’m going to wind up hurting Neli in the process. This seems stupid even as IÂ’m writing it but IÂ’m going to do something nice for Amir simply for saying he was tired and wanted to go to bed. His sleepiness gave me a big key in sorting this all out. My problems with Neli are genuinely with her, and knowing that even one person out there tried to poison my mind puts my hopes in jeopardyÂ… Neli offered back at the waterfall should I have any questions on my journey to come and ask her. I think I might exercise that option first before taking another; in a similar situation anyway.
Jach and I had a little play time last night that I hadnÂ’t written about. Certain people inspire that in me and get it back in return. When I think about all the people I play these games with IÂ’ve come to realizeÂ… ThatÂ’s largely how I show them I care. Its one thing to tease someone for fun, but that just provides humor for everyone around them. To truly play a proper game there has to be a certain magic to it. Considering all the good times we shared, and how we shared them togetherÂ… Neli? YouÂ’re magical. I hope you know that.
*She doodles on the page in a very cliché fashion. Stars, hearts, unicorns, and a rainbow leading to them. Something was clearly on her mind.*
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 3
IÂ’ve fallen behind a bit on my notes and need to finish the last day as well.
Vow of Silence: In the bazaar later that day Kalina was expressing her thoughts about Raifael and his impact on her relationship. Amir and I tried to be useful in our own ways and it only made her angry. I canÂ’t say that I understand; the things she was lashing out about were not my doingÂ… but I understand that she is still an upset friend. IÂ’ve not seen her since. Amir for his part gave me a strange thought of all this. He helped me with some problem by remaining quiet into other peopleÂ’s social lives. Then in turning around by trying to help Kalina it only backfired. In his humor about the anti-drama area I think IÂ’m starting to understand.
Later that night I ran into a newer friend of mine who told me he had overheard something interesting. After moving to the Hall of Records for a quiet area to talk we hushed in whispers like Neli might’ve been doing all that time for her ‘game’. The friend told me he’d overheard Dom, Kalina and Legault talking about stealing Raif’s inheritance. I’ve heard him called the elder son, and his father did just pass on. I suppose matters of inheritance are an issue… Apparently the couple was wistful while considering the riches. My initial reaction was to get involved, and I speculated at trying to convince Raif to be with me, however superficial. Kalina wouldn’t be so willing to cause him harm, I think for my sake… In retrospect later I changed my mind and decided something wildly different.
I was going to take a vow of silence and simply see how things played out around me. In regards to Raif I didnÂ’t feel comfortable saying literally nothing so I passed him a couple of notes while invisible in the bazaar. Hopefully he can protect himself or open up to the notion I might be trying to help him on his own. The silence was supposed to be an experiment, just to see what would happen. By and large I was left alone though some people persisted in trying to have a conversation with me. The drama was significantly less however. Piri was pulling pranks at the start and challenged me to keeping my focus. It was only when I felt defensive about someone elseÂ’s problem that I accidentally broke my vow. Was it really somebody elseÂ’s problem? I wanted in part to fix the relationship between the brothers for myself. I donÂ’t know how to play this game, and will have to consult the master.
IÂ’ve fallen behind a bit on my notes and need to finish the last day as well.
Vow of Silence: In the bazaar later that day Kalina was expressing her thoughts about Raifael and his impact on her relationship. Amir and I tried to be useful in our own ways and it only made her angry. I canÂ’t say that I understand; the things she was lashing out about were not my doingÂ… but I understand that she is still an upset friend. IÂ’ve not seen her since. Amir for his part gave me a strange thought of all this. He helped me with some problem by remaining quiet into other peopleÂ’s social lives. Then in turning around by trying to help Kalina it only backfired. In his humor about the anti-drama area I think IÂ’m starting to understand.
Later that night I ran into a newer friend of mine who told me he had overheard something interesting. After moving to the Hall of Records for a quiet area to talk we hushed in whispers like Neli might’ve been doing all that time for her ‘game’. The friend told me he’d overheard Dom, Kalina and Legault talking about stealing Raif’s inheritance. I’ve heard him called the elder son, and his father did just pass on. I suppose matters of inheritance are an issue… Apparently the couple was wistful while considering the riches. My initial reaction was to get involved, and I speculated at trying to convince Raif to be with me, however superficial. Kalina wouldn’t be so willing to cause him harm, I think for my sake… In retrospect later I changed my mind and decided something wildly different.
I was going to take a vow of silence and simply see how things played out around me. In regards to Raif I didnÂ’t feel comfortable saying literally nothing so I passed him a couple of notes while invisible in the bazaar. Hopefully he can protect himself or open up to the notion I might be trying to help him on his own. The silence was supposed to be an experiment, just to see what would happen. By and large I was left alone though some people persisted in trying to have a conversation with me. The drama was significantly less however. Piri was pulling pranks at the start and challenged me to keeping my focus. It was only when I felt defensive about someone elseÂ’s problem that I accidentally broke my vow. Was it really somebody elseÂ’s problem? I wanted in part to fix the relationship between the brothers for myself. I donÂ’t know how to play this game, and will have to consult the master.
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 5
I was only my way over to Neli's house. Things weren't going to work out with Nick and she and I had already talked about staying there while I found something better; it just seemed sensible at the time. On the walk over my heart sank a little, knowing that I was never going to be comfortable in my own skin unless I spent more time with just myself. So there in the Lady's Ward I found myself thinking about where to go when the answer came to me...
My fear of being alone... My fear of the dark... Are they somehow related? I was going to find out the hard way. I made a makeshift campsite along the narrow planks and tiny islands in one of the caves in the gray wastes. A glyph of warding just outside of where my bedroll lay in case the undead showed up. I also made a tiny fire, baby steps right?
In the deep quiet of my new solitude I closed my eyes and began to meditate. I told nobody where I was going because this part of my journey wasn't about them and their problems.
First came to me the images of the brothers and Kalina. Why did I feel that this problem had to involve me? Because I never had a family? Because I wanted to believe in family? Kalina was my friend and if they truly planned to take Raifael for everything he was worth then so be it... I don't know the truth of the matter nor do I want to. I tried opening up to him and there was just no pleasing; what more could I do? I think before I'm to help another family with their problems I'd need to put more thought into my own.
I never had a family to speak of; unless you call the orphans who brainwashed me family... Am I entitled to make my own out of the people I know? Or does it have to suffice that I've never had one? I had listed some tenets before; things worth clinging to... The next among them was friends.
I stopped myself at this point realizing I couldn't just let go. Even in a place of solitude I took part of the lives along with me. Why did being totally alone feel so wrong? I've always been surrounded by people in Sigil... I was rather abandoned by my parents though. I wonder... Am I afraid if I let go they will too; the people around me.
I spent that night in quiet meditation. After many attempts prior I finally had to cave... hah cave, and make a real fire for light. A few hours into the silence I felt my strength beginning to wane and my will to focus sapped. Things drew hazy around me and that's when I heard it! Like a whisper over the shoulder. "Remembrance" it said, once. I replied simply "I understand".
The pact I had made with fey powers in my dreams when I was a child was a poor decision given what I know now. In wanting to remember who my parents were I traded something in exchange for rememberance... Ironically I don't remember what it is I traded... Wait... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...*She actually draws the dots while she tries to focus out the memory from herself.* I said "...in return I will lend you my valor." That sounds like a game I'd play... dreaming or not I've always imagined myself being the princess in the tower, or other folk tales. I wonder who has my valor...
I had fallen asleep soon after from the tiring amount of focus... when I awake I felt like I had memory of the land... The gray wastes... There was death here and I could remember it clearly now. A few tiny spiders in the cave were dead; I only noticed because I had sucked the life out of them. ((Vampiric feast)).
((Edited from earlier today))
I was only my way over to Neli's house. Things weren't going to work out with Nick and she and I had already talked about staying there while I found something better; it just seemed sensible at the time. On the walk over my heart sank a little, knowing that I was never going to be comfortable in my own skin unless I spent more time with just myself. So there in the Lady's Ward I found myself thinking about where to go when the answer came to me...
My fear of being alone... My fear of the dark... Are they somehow related? I was going to find out the hard way. I made a makeshift campsite along the narrow planks and tiny islands in one of the caves in the gray wastes. A glyph of warding just outside of where my bedroll lay in case the undead showed up. I also made a tiny fire, baby steps right?
In the deep quiet of my new solitude I closed my eyes and began to meditate. I told nobody where I was going because this part of my journey wasn't about them and their problems.
First came to me the images of the brothers and Kalina. Why did I feel that this problem had to involve me? Because I never had a family? Because I wanted to believe in family? Kalina was my friend and if they truly planned to take Raifael for everything he was worth then so be it... I don't know the truth of the matter nor do I want to. I tried opening up to him and there was just no pleasing; what more could I do? I think before I'm to help another family with their problems I'd need to put more thought into my own.
I never had a family to speak of; unless you call the orphans who brainwashed me family... Am I entitled to make my own out of the people I know? Or does it have to suffice that I've never had one? I had listed some tenets before; things worth clinging to... The next among them was friends.
I stopped myself at this point realizing I couldn't just let go. Even in a place of solitude I took part of the lives along with me. Why did being totally alone feel so wrong? I've always been surrounded by people in Sigil... I was rather abandoned by my parents though. I wonder... Am I afraid if I let go they will too; the people around me.
I spent that night in quiet meditation. After many attempts prior I finally had to cave... hah cave, and make a real fire for light. A few hours into the silence I felt my strength beginning to wane and my will to focus sapped. Things drew hazy around me and that's when I heard it! Like a whisper over the shoulder. "Remembrance" it said, once. I replied simply "I understand".
The pact I had made with fey powers in my dreams when I was a child was a poor decision given what I know now. In wanting to remember who my parents were I traded something in exchange for rememberance... Ironically I don't remember what it is I traded... Wait... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...*She actually draws the dots while she tries to focus out the memory from herself.* I said "...in return I will lend you my valor." That sounds like a game I'd play... dreaming or not I've always imagined myself being the princess in the tower, or other folk tales. I wonder who has my valor...
I had fallen asleep soon after from the tiring amount of focus... when I awake I felt like I had memory of the land... The gray wastes... There was death here and I could remember it clearly now. A few tiny spiders in the cave were dead; I only noticed because I had sucked the life out of them. ((Vampiric feast)).
((Edited from earlier today))
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 6
I started thinking about how I had gotten my others powers... The angry bees from the beastlands come from a portion of the plane I'd never been though knew very well. Perhaps in all my bonding with the spirits there has allowed me to call upon their aid... but... Why bees? They're like my own little stinging army but what right did I have to lead other fey to potentially die? Though the bees themselves know not friend from foe and only their own call to battle... Is that what it is? They need someone to sound the chimes of war and I need someone to fight for me?
After summoning a bee and attempting to commune with it I was only stung in return. My experiment was not totally fruitless however. In that moment of summoning the bee and before it attacked I felt a tiny wave of emotion. The bee hated me with such passion much like it hated everything else... at the same time as it went for me it knew release... Outside of the cage of the beastlands it wasn't just a bee; it was an untamed warrior.
My ability to consume and devour magic... That's a tricky one. I've grown to understand it a little deeper in that magic resonates a little bit of the wielder, and when consumed you can taste a little bit of that person's magical projection. After the consumption I feel stronger, healthier and more alert for a time. I think the first time I did it was with Neli in the Ice Plane. I told her I wanted to test something; I wasn't even sure what I was about to do at the time. I stripped her of her magic and savored the essence of it... I don't think we were dating yet but it was clearly headed in that direction, it always was... So what was I remembering? What did I understand that allowed me to do such a thing?
After some hours of meditation I think I finally understand the answer! Everyone I can think of that I've ever drained their magic is close to me in some fashion or another; coupled with my strong attraction to Neli at the time... I think the answer is intimacy... but I'm not sure. It would seem as though my power lies less in the dissolving of magic than it does the flavor of the essence. There is a certain intimacy to it that most people will never know, the taste of someone else's magic.
I'm too exhausted to go on tonight and will resume delving into my powers tomorrow. I hope I'm not scaring anyone by being gone from town for so long but this is simply something I have to go through...
*She doodles a loose sketch of the bazaar in this page of her journal.*
I started thinking about how I had gotten my others powers... The angry bees from the beastlands come from a portion of the plane I'd never been though knew very well. Perhaps in all my bonding with the spirits there has allowed me to call upon their aid... but... Why bees? They're like my own little stinging army but what right did I have to lead other fey to potentially die? Though the bees themselves know not friend from foe and only their own call to battle... Is that what it is? They need someone to sound the chimes of war and I need someone to fight for me?
After summoning a bee and attempting to commune with it I was only stung in return. My experiment was not totally fruitless however. In that moment of summoning the bee and before it attacked I felt a tiny wave of emotion. The bee hated me with such passion much like it hated everything else... at the same time as it went for me it knew release... Outside of the cage of the beastlands it wasn't just a bee; it was an untamed warrior.
My ability to consume and devour magic... That's a tricky one. I've grown to understand it a little deeper in that magic resonates a little bit of the wielder, and when consumed you can taste a little bit of that person's magical projection. After the consumption I feel stronger, healthier and more alert for a time. I think the first time I did it was with Neli in the Ice Plane. I told her I wanted to test something; I wasn't even sure what I was about to do at the time. I stripped her of her magic and savored the essence of it... I don't think we were dating yet but it was clearly headed in that direction, it always was... So what was I remembering? What did I understand that allowed me to do such a thing?
After some hours of meditation I think I finally understand the answer! Everyone I can think of that I've ever drained their magic is close to me in some fashion or another; coupled with my strong attraction to Neli at the time... I think the answer is intimacy... but I'm not sure. It would seem as though my power lies less in the dissolving of magic than it does the flavor of the essence. There is a certain intimacy to it that most people will never know, the taste of someone else's magic.
I'm too exhausted to go on tonight and will resume delving into my powers tomorrow. I hope I'm not scaring anyone by being gone from town for so long but this is simply something I have to go through...
*She doodles a loose sketch of the bazaar in this page of her journal.*
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 7
Sometimes the magic is too much. After four days of quiet meditation with power running through me I have to say that I've grown incredibly... frustrated. There's never any release except the comfort of knowing myself a little bit deeper and I'm back to where I started; a relatively nice person doing some relatively naughty things in my dreams. I think I'm going to go back home tomorrow. I fear seeing her will make it worse but what am I to do? *Written in rather smaller size*....I have needs! Don't you judge me!
In today's efforts I looked at two of my other powers. The first one was obvious; the ability to focus myself to regenerate for a short period of time. Unlike my inability to be harmed my blades this one was different and represented my will to live. Out of all my powers it took the most willpower to force and I'd always felt too mentally sapped to attempt it again on the same day. The will to live isn't present in all of us at all times but it is by and large something instinctual. Though this wasn't particularly noteworthy for my findings it did lead me to examine the second of two powers on that day. A power that could close my wounds with a similar strength among other benefits... the ability to take the form of a large devil.
One day when a bunch of us were in the abyss my beloved was being chased down by two rather large grayish devils. I've heard a variety of names for them but suffice it to say that 10 feet tall doesn't sound like an overstatement. While she has plenty of magical wards they were still a threat to her at the time and I got really angry. Though I had started to run towards them without a plan in mind, they were after all dangerous for me too, I turned into one of those devils myself and held them at bay until help arrived. Now the interesting part about this is that while yes I regenerate in this form much like my power over the will to live this was more so the will to love. Valor drove me to wanting to protect Neli. Now see that doesn't make any sense right? I mean I traded my valor for these powers didn't I? And that's when it dawned on me. When I take this form none of my other powers work anymore... It was essentially a means of turning them off... if that's the truth though what am I? What is my natural state of being? ... I'm kind of scared of the answer; and I find myself wishing for the dreams of rapture instead of the looming nightmares I see in my near future.
*A sad face is drawn.* :(
Sometimes the magic is too much. After four days of quiet meditation with power running through me I have to say that I've grown incredibly... frustrated. There's never any release except the comfort of knowing myself a little bit deeper and I'm back to where I started; a relatively nice person doing some relatively naughty things in my dreams. I think I'm going to go back home tomorrow. I fear seeing her will make it worse but what am I to do? *Written in rather smaller size*....I have needs! Don't you judge me!
In today's efforts I looked at two of my other powers. The first one was obvious; the ability to focus myself to regenerate for a short period of time. Unlike my inability to be harmed my blades this one was different and represented my will to live. Out of all my powers it took the most willpower to force and I'd always felt too mentally sapped to attempt it again on the same day. The will to live isn't present in all of us at all times but it is by and large something instinctual. Though this wasn't particularly noteworthy for my findings it did lead me to examine the second of two powers on that day. A power that could close my wounds with a similar strength among other benefits... the ability to take the form of a large devil.
One day when a bunch of us were in the abyss my beloved was being chased down by two rather large grayish devils. I've heard a variety of names for them but suffice it to say that 10 feet tall doesn't sound like an overstatement. While she has plenty of magical wards they were still a threat to her at the time and I got really angry. Though I had started to run towards them without a plan in mind, they were after all dangerous for me too, I turned into one of those devils myself and held them at bay until help arrived. Now the interesting part about this is that while yes I regenerate in this form much like my power over the will to live this was more so the will to love. Valor drove me to wanting to protect Neli. Now see that doesn't make any sense right? I mean I traded my valor for these powers didn't I? And that's when it dawned on me. When I take this form none of my other powers work anymore... It was essentially a means of turning them off... if that's the truth though what am I? What is my natural state of being? ... I'm kind of scared of the answer; and I find myself wishing for the dreams of rapture instead of the looming nightmares I see in my near future.
*A sad face is drawn.* :(
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 8
I arrived back home but she was nowhere to be found. I got to speak to Amir for a bit; he suggested we get drunk and burn things to celebrate but I was kind of hoping for something a little more old fashioned.
Instead of waiting around for people to show up I figured on going back to sleep. The past week's trials were hard enough on me and I wasn't going to get the type of excitement I was actually looking for. A little extra sleep might do me some good.
I arrived back home but she was nowhere to be found. I got to speak to Amir for a bit; he suggested we get drunk and burn things to celebrate but I was kind of hoping for something a little more old fashioned.
Instead of waiting around for people to show up I figured on going back to sleep. The past week's trials were hard enough on me and I wasn't going to get the type of excitement I was actually looking for. A little extra sleep might do me some good.
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 9
Cratten: It was time to cash in. Not that our bargain entailed giving me the help I had asked of him but I suppose since he had wholly given me his trust we were on good enough terms for him to lend a hand. I had wanted to become a stronger person emotionally but when he asked me to be more specific about what I needed the answer came out a touch differently. I told him that I felt I was a whiny and needy person in regards to my failed relationship. First we talked about arguing, because that's mainly where the problems between Neli and I started. He suggested or implied rather that I should take my time before responding to things; I suppose more so when emotions are involved. The extra time would give me a chance to reflect, bringing about his next point. He said I should let the less important things go, possibly divert my frustrations elsewhere instead. He added that I can't expect to change how other people think, and while possible I would have to be willing to accept other answers.
Cratten asked me what would happen if I failed in getting her back; which should be a valid question in my mind. I told him it depending on why I failed... If the problem lay solely in me then I'd have to consider moving to be with the fey and hope I got along with them better. If the problem is Neli not wanting a traditional relationship I'd probably have to learn how to move on... As sad for me as that is... and well if it were somewhere in between then I guess this whole journey thing is a good idea. Somewhere out there is someone very special to me, and I feel like I can't even tell her that much.
He then eluded to knowing a bit of Neli's personal complaints to which I was happy to hear. With some effort he was even able to explain it to me in ways I understood. I know these are all things Neli told me in the past; I guess I just didn't follow the way she said them right. So as it turns out I'm a pretty demanding person. I'd be better off compromising at times to fit the needs of others and when they return the favor so be it. I think the part he didn't mention that I need to get past is that it won't always be a fair exchange. Neli needed more personal time. Cratten explained this with a pretty good analogy with food; and food makes it easier to understand. Imagine you had this favorite meal but you had to eat it 3 times a day? You'd get pretty bored of it right? It's still your favorite food but you want something else for a while... Anyway... I understand that now.
I don't know when you'll read this Neli, or when I'll be finished writing it. I'm doing my best to learn and grow and at least today I think I've gotten my most valuable lesson yet. I know writing how I still feel isn't going to change the way things are; but changing the things that tore us apart hopefully might.
Cratten: It was time to cash in. Not that our bargain entailed giving me the help I had asked of him but I suppose since he had wholly given me his trust we were on good enough terms for him to lend a hand. I had wanted to become a stronger person emotionally but when he asked me to be more specific about what I needed the answer came out a touch differently. I told him that I felt I was a whiny and needy person in regards to my failed relationship. First we talked about arguing, because that's mainly where the problems between Neli and I started. He suggested or implied rather that I should take my time before responding to things; I suppose more so when emotions are involved. The extra time would give me a chance to reflect, bringing about his next point. He said I should let the less important things go, possibly divert my frustrations elsewhere instead. He added that I can't expect to change how other people think, and while possible I would have to be willing to accept other answers.
Cratten asked me what would happen if I failed in getting her back; which should be a valid question in my mind. I told him it depending on why I failed... If the problem lay solely in me then I'd have to consider moving to be with the fey and hope I got along with them better. If the problem is Neli not wanting a traditional relationship I'd probably have to learn how to move on... As sad for me as that is... and well if it were somewhere in between then I guess this whole journey thing is a good idea. Somewhere out there is someone very special to me, and I feel like I can't even tell her that much.
He then eluded to knowing a bit of Neli's personal complaints to which I was happy to hear. With some effort he was even able to explain it to me in ways I understood. I know these are all things Neli told me in the past; I guess I just didn't follow the way she said them right. So as it turns out I'm a pretty demanding person. I'd be better off compromising at times to fit the needs of others and when they return the favor so be it. I think the part he didn't mention that I need to get past is that it won't always be a fair exchange. Neli needed more personal time. Cratten explained this with a pretty good analogy with food; and food makes it easier to understand. Imagine you had this favorite meal but you had to eat it 3 times a day? You'd get pretty bored of it right? It's still your favorite food but you want something else for a while... Anyway... I understand that now.
I don't know when you'll read this Neli, or when I'll be finished writing it. I'm doing my best to learn and grow and at least today I think I've gotten my most valuable lesson yet. I know writing how I still feel isn't going to change the way things are; but changing the things that tore us apart hopefully might.
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*Knightoftheradish
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Day 10
A new acquaintance of mine Andrew, Son, and I were all lounging about in Elysium talking when I had a gem of a thought. Son and I both knew Amir from a long time ago in our days as orphans. Though frankly I didn't remember him it seems to me impossible that I've never had a meal at his hands or my tears wiped by him...
Given that he's a bleaker he has probably never had a proper birthday and so I brought up the notion of it with Son. She told me that he probably wouldn't enjoy a traditional birthday and that who knew when it was anyway. I first explained that the date itself wasn't the relevant part and later mused that we could have an Amir style birthday.
Everyone would dress all in black... Make neutral comments to each other... We would play the most irrelevant and boring games like 'Stare at the table' or 'hide but don't seek'... There would be a very bland cake... I think maybe I could even make it myself. Last but not least I'd see out of whose willing we could all cuddle at the end. After all Amir is Sigil's resident CuddleElf. We will love you elf boy! ... Sorry... I got excited...
After Son left Andrew and I got to talking. He told me about his mostly solitary life under the scrutiny of a wizardly father. The best advice I could think of was to tell him to throw caution to the wind and that just because he was supposed to do certain things or be a certain way he didn't have to... This might have been terrible advice but its just what made sense for me to tell him at the time. Hopefully he finds himself somewhere in the middle; the place I aim to find myself one day too.
I don't remember how we got on the subject of colors... I think because we were talking about our respective magics and I was explaining the fey side of things... Not to mention what I felt I've lost in all this... The way a fey experiences color is simply that... It isn't just whats in front of you, it feels a certain way, is a certain way... an experience. I told him that if he could weasel a sensory stone out of a sensate I'd try and record for him what color is like through the eyes of a fey... With my current disconnection from my fey side I hoped I could keep that promise.
A new acquaintance of mine Andrew, Son, and I were all lounging about in Elysium talking when I had a gem of a thought. Son and I both knew Amir from a long time ago in our days as orphans. Though frankly I didn't remember him it seems to me impossible that I've never had a meal at his hands or my tears wiped by him...
Given that he's a bleaker he has probably never had a proper birthday and so I brought up the notion of it with Son. She told me that he probably wouldn't enjoy a traditional birthday and that who knew when it was anyway. I first explained that the date itself wasn't the relevant part and later mused that we could have an Amir style birthday.
Everyone would dress all in black... Make neutral comments to each other... We would play the most irrelevant and boring games like 'Stare at the table' or 'hide but don't seek'... There would be a very bland cake... I think maybe I could even make it myself. Last but not least I'd see out of whose willing we could all cuddle at the end. After all Amir is Sigil's resident CuddleElf. We will love you elf boy! ... Sorry... I got excited...
After Son left Andrew and I got to talking. He told me about his mostly solitary life under the scrutiny of a wizardly father. The best advice I could think of was to tell him to throw caution to the wind and that just because he was supposed to do certain things or be a certain way he didn't have to... This might have been terrible advice but its just what made sense for me to tell him at the time. Hopefully he finds himself somewhere in the middle; the place I aim to find myself one day too.
I don't remember how we got on the subject of colors... I think because we were talking about our respective magics and I was explaining the fey side of things... Not to mention what I felt I've lost in all this... The way a fey experiences color is simply that... It isn't just whats in front of you, it feels a certain way, is a certain way... an experience. I told him that if he could weasel a sensory stone out of a sensate I'd try and record for him what color is like through the eyes of a fey... With my current disconnection from my fey side I hoped I could keep that promise.