Sensibility: The Notebook Of Kalina Sensbane

[*VanillaRose]

(( Last updated: April 29th, 2010 ))

Basic Information
Name: Lady Kalina Ambryn (Brice) Sensbane
Aliases: Kali
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Age: 19
Profession: Kalina is a performer. She tells stories, sings songs, plays a variety of instruments, and dabbles in acting.
Languages: Kalina speaks Elven and Dwarven.
Accent: Kalina has a mild accent from her native Baldur's Gate.



Physical Information
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 100 lbs.
Body build: Kalina is slender and petite, but she is not frail.
Skin type: Kalina has an unblemished complexion. Her skin is soft, smooth, and shows that she values her appearance.
Hair style: Kalina's hair is kept styled in face-framing layers and falls a few inches past her shoulders.
Scars: Kalina has a faint, jagged scar upon her abdomen.
Tattoos: Kalina has no tattoos or other markings.
Colouring:

[b]Hair:[/b] Light Ash Blonde [b]Eyes:[/b] Hazel [b]Skin:[/b] Fair [/li]

Mental Information
Alignment: Neutral Good
Philosophy: "Life is too short to spend it unhappy."
Deity/Beliefs: Kalina pays homage to Milil and Oghma.
Personality:

[u]Fashion-conscious[/u]: [i]interested in wearing the finest clothing.[/i] [u]Helpful[/u]: [i]eager to please, perhaps to a fault.[/i] [u]Insecure / Uncertain[/u]: [i]constantly second-guessing actions taken.[/i] [u]Romantic[/u]: [i]loves the concept of love and romance.[/i] [u]Well-mannered[/u]: [i]acts with proper, dignified, nobility-level manners and social graces.[/i] [/li]

Additional Information
Gear: Aside from the silver rapier she keeps sheathed at her waist, Kalina carries a varied collection of musical instruments. Some are kept strapped to her back. She also has a small leather-bound notebook with her at all times. This notebook serves as her songbook and journal, and she considers it her most prized possession.
Jewelry: Kalina wears a golden signet ring bearing the crest of Lord Jach Sensbane. She also wears a gold wedding band upon her left ring finger. A mirrored amulet is worn around her neck; this adornment is frequently used as the symbol of Verenestra.
Habits/hobbies: Kalina enjoys creating fashionable ensembles to wear. She also enjoys reading, writing, and observing things of beauty. She is fascinated with artworks and scenic views.
General Health: Kalina is a young woman who is still in robust health for the most part. She often suffers from headaches, which causes her to rub at her forehead and temples. After an attempt on her life in which she was forced to consume a magical toxin, she experiences the occasional painful stomach cramp.
Favorite Drink: Kalina enjoys the taste of wine, and she prefers white wines over reds. When not drinking wine, she enjoys hot tea.
Weaknesses: Kalina is insecure and has a tendency to be quiet and shy at times. She is extremely self-conscious when it comes to how others view her. She is also extremely susceptible to charming dark, tall, and handsome types. Her affinity for large quantities of wine when she is sad or depressed may indicate a hidden dependency upon liquor.

[*VanillaRose]

The following entries are contained within the leather-bound notebook that Kalina Brice keeps with her at all times. Unless otherwise noted, all entries are written in a smooth feminine script that indicates the writer is left-handed.


To say that Sigil is an "interesting" place would be doing it a grievous disservice. People and creatures of all shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, personalities, and countless other descriptors all coexist in the "Cage". My eyes have been opened to revelation after revelation, wonder after wonder, and I wonder still if I am simply experiencing a swirling, hallucinating dream.

I arrived in the midst of chaos, and I have experienced chaos ever since my fateful debut. A renegade halfling slandered my good name and convinced another halfling that I sought multiple intimate companions. A dress over which I labored quite extensively was ruined when a magical gust of wind knocked me and others to the dirty streets. However, the bad has been countered by the good, and I have made several friends and acquaintances.

Lord Jach Sensbane, an extremely wealthy man who seems to be known by most of Sigil, graciously offered me a guest room at his villa in the Lady's Ward after the Smoking Hammer Inn's destruction. I have never been the type who enjoys the raucousness of inns that are also taverns, so I am especially appreciative of my quiet, elegant room at the nobleman's home. Thus far, the unmarried and middle-aged merchant has treated me as I imagine he would treat a daughter, and I am completely content to be considered his unofficial ward. He reminds me of my own father in that he is intently focused upon his business interests. My father has never possessed friendliness or perpetual cheer like Lord Sensbane, though.

I have discovered in my short time spent in Sigil that I am one of the more conservatively dressed women. I am somewhat amused by this fact, because my penchant for bright, vivid colors and accessories was once the subject of pleasant debate during the time I spent in Candlekeep with the darkly clad Avowed. Here, though, many of the women dress in revealing, seductive ensembles that leave little to the imagination. The majority of men (unsurprisingly) seem to enjoy letting their tongues wag at the sight, but I have encountered a small handful who still adhere to the old-fashioned ways.

When I lived in Baldur's Gate and studied with Miss Vhaire, she would often speak of the simultaneous beauty and ugliness of love. Her eyes would sparkle with joy and happiness when she told of the travels she and her late husband shared, but then the sparkle would inevitably fade into a sad sort of resignation. Although still young in her own right, I think she convinced herself a long time ago that she would never love again. Once, soon after she became my mentor, she cautioned me "not to fall in love with a man over whom you are not willing to ache for the rest of your life". Ever since she spoke those words to me, I have kept my standards exceptionally high and all but ignored the feeble attempts of would-be suitors.

I would be a liar if I said I did not want love, though. I have read too many romantic tales, and I have heard too many songs of love, passion, and the associated heartaches not to want it. Many of my newfound companions believe me to be one of the Sensates, a group of people devoted to experiencing all aspects of life, because of my outlook.

While I do respect their philosophies, I am different from the Sensates when it comes to love in that I do not want to experience it just for the sake of experiencing it. When love finds me, and I have no doubt that it will find me, I want to lose myself in it. I want to feel like the heroines in all the stories I have read in my life. I want to look upon the rugged visage of my handsome knight when he utters those sweet, melodic words to me and know that in that moment, for the two of us, there is nothing else but the other. As vast as I have learned the cosmos spans, he and I will be the center of it all in those first few moments when we realize we are in love. Time will stop, a heartbeat will pass, and then there will be no escaping the torrent of emotion that claims us with its gentle fury. It will leave us breathless, and it will leave us wanting.

I already feel the faint flutterings of affection when it comes to a certain gentleman, but only time will tell if he returns those affections. For now, I am content to experience Sigil, her inhabitants, and all her glories as a wide-eyed wanderer from another world.

[*VanillaRose]

A person can drink the strongest liquors in the multiverse, but none of them can come close to matching the bitter taste of regret.

I did not want to interfere. It was a family matter and none of my concern. I did not want to involve myself in a feud. I rationalized my reasons until the effects of the invisibility potion ended, and then I simply returned to the Bazaar as my handsome knight vanished into the Hive Ward.

It is entirely possible that I will never see him again, and I was too much of a coward to voice a protest. He has returned to Baldur's Gate by now, and I doubt he will ever step foot in Sigil again. He will not be allowed.

Why did I not say something to him? Why did I not offer to come with him? Why did I stand there like a proper lady and let him leave when I should have fought like a savage beast to keep him by my side? He did not want to leave. How many times did he say "no"? The other insisted, though. He demanded. He forced.

Already I feel the ache about which my mentor cautioned me. Am I destined to walk the same lonely path now that my handsome knight is gone?

[*VanillaRose]

For the remainder of the journal, certain names seem to be written in a type of code.

I hope I know what I'm doing.

The creature told us to use "whatever means necessary" to get close to Yaqvus. How could I have known that the truth would work the best? He seems interested in me; I can definitely use his interest to ascertain the truth about Puyj and the "situation" - I hope.

I have to talk to Hawuihd, though. I have to tell him what I'm planning. Was there a twinge of jealousy in his voice when he asked why I was upset when my other dinner date did not arrive? Or am I simply hearing what I hope to hear? Regardless, he said more than once that he and I should have dinner again. I can confide in him then.

I was ecstatic to see him still in Sigil, although I tried not to show it too much. I thought he had returned to Baldur's Gate for certain. I do not think Suokuah told him the nature of our conversation, which means that my handsome knight remains blissfully unaware.

Part of me worries, though, because other people keep telling me he seems like "trouble". Am I the only one who thinks otherwise? I trust him. Why can others not see him through my eyes?

[*VanillaRose]

The writing in this entry appears shaky and uneven.

Yaqvus is dead.

Or is he?

Coincidence dictated that I happened upon Puyj, Hawuihd, and Suokuah as they were about to discuss the situation. I accompanied them to the cellar of the inn, and there we spoke about what the two had accomplished with Yaqvus and his interest in me.

"Interest? Like interest interest?" my handsome knight asked in a way that made me forget everything else but him. All three of them were so protective of me, but I had to convince them to let me help. Puyj clucked like a concerned father, and Hawuihd wanted to keep me from danger. In hindsight, perhaps I should have listened to them when they bade me not to get involved, but what's done is done.

They permitted me to keep my picnic plans with Yaqvus, and Hawuihd and Suokuah followed me to the waterfall while planeshifted. Puyj wisely decided to stay in Sigil.

The picnic went well enough at first; I sang Yaqvus a jaunty tune and we shared a few laughs. But then, Yaqvus said he wanted to speak with me about Puyj, and I had the sudden sinking feeling that my feeble attempts at intrigue were about to be unraveled. Harsh accusations were levied against Puyj, and I found myself angry at Yaqvus' lies. (Am I certain that they are lies?)

The two knights emerged from their cloaked presence, and I was surprised to discover that Puyj's employee, Gaho, had been eavesdropping upon the conversation the entire time at Yaqvus' request. Many things were revealed, and I dare not write them here, but Gaho claimed that Yaqvus and Puyj are both pawns in a game played by a another, higher entity.

Suokuah, with his blade to Yaqvus' throat, said that the decision regarding life or death was mine to make. I faltered; I was not prepared to pass judgment. I pleaded with Yaqvus to renounce his ways if he wanted to achieve the happiness he claimed he wanted, but he (like most men) was stubborn. I almost gave the order to kill him, so great was my wrath, when he revealed that he had been using me and manipulating me as well.

Suokuah is not a patient man, and a quick slit of his blade against Yaqvus' throat brought "death" to the man. Blood sprayed upon my ivory dress, and I doubt whether the red stains can be removed. His was the first death I witnessed so close and personal, and Suokuah had to guide me back to Sigil while I was in shock and disbelief.

Did I cause a man's death even though I never gave the word of command? Hawuihd assured me otherwise, but my thoughts are riddled with questions and doubts. Will Yaqvus remember anything if and when he returns? Will he want vengeance against us - against me? Does Puyj really have a darker side? Will Gaho help us or hinder us?

The two knights took me to their room at the inn since it was deemed unsafe for me to return to the villa. Hawuihd gave me one of his tunics to use as a sleeping gown, and the two are outside guarding the door even as I write these words.

I should rest.

His shirt smells nice.

[*VanillaRose]

"Two weeks. I promise."

My handsome knight uttered those words to me before he took his leave from the inn where we were talking. Our happiness together lurks just around the corner and out of reach for the moment, because he does not want to endanger me. He does not want to risk my well-being at the hands of those who would use me to harm him, and for his restraint I cannot fault him.

I wanted his words to me to be different, though. I wanted him to throw caution to the winds, and together we would tempt fate. I suggested with smitten hope that we could keep our burgeoning romance a secret, and he muttered that keeping it a secret was practically what were were doing already. But in two weeks, regardless of what happens with the Yaqvus and Puyj situation, he promised he would court me until my head spins.

Two weeks seems like a lifetime to me right now. I want to embrace him without fear of someone spying upon us. Someone could have been lurking in the shadows when he kissed my forehead or briefly hugged me. Anyone could have seen him reach for my hand or seen my hand upon his arm. What about the woman with whom we spoke? Did she see anything? Did she suspect anything?

Does it even matter if the entire cosmos knows how we feel?

It has barely been two hours since we parted, and already I am counting each passing moment. Patience is a virtue I scarcely possess right now. Still, he gave me comfort - and a bit of pause - when he asked what was two weeks if one believes love lasts an eternity?

Love. Love! He mentioned the word - oh, that melodic, heart-quaking, spine-tingling word! - once in the past. When Suokuah said that Hawuihd was making the matter between us too complicated, my handsome knight said that "love is the most complicated force in the multiverse". Given that I was rather inebriated at the time, I did not realize the magnitude of his statement. Could it be...? Do I dare dream? Does he dream with me?

The next two weeks will be absolutely unbearable.

[*VanillaRose]

I once wrote: "I want to look upon the rugged visage of my handsome knight when he utters those sweet, melodic words to me and know that in that moment, for the two of us, there is nothing else but the other. As vast as I have learned the cosmos spans, he and I will be the center of it all in those first few moments when we realize we are in love. Time will stop, a heartbeat will pass, and then there will be no escaping the torrent of emotion that claims us with its gentle fury. It will leave us breathless, and it will leave us wanting."

I would say that falling in love is everything I thought it would be, but to do so would insult the absolute intensity of it. Nothing could prepare me for the tiny tingles I felt jolt through my body when my handsome knight first kissed me. Later, I was caught unawares when he told me that he loved me, and I swear my heart skipped several beats before I could even think to tell him the same in return. I was dizzy and light-headed; I was flushed and trembling and delirious with happiness.

Admittedly, I did not expect the "torent of emotion" that would "leave us breathless" would be the waters of Elysium into which we fell after Wznggodja startled us. Thankfully, poor Hawuihd and I were only waist deep, else the situation might not have ended well. Like a true knight, though, he lifted me from the waters and carried me to safety. He is certainly my hero; I know nothing will ever befall me as long as he is by my side.

To love him means I must endure Suokuah, though, and my patience with him runs thin. I have adjusted - somewhat - to his ever-present abrasiveness, but now he seeks to interrupt my handsome knight and I when we try to find moments alone together. Is Suokuah truly without direction now? Part of me pities him and wants to help him better himself, but the other part of me grows increasingly resentful of his continued stubbornness and selfishness. He is not happy, and he is ensuring that mine and Hawuihd's happiness is limited as well.

My handsome knight and I are just starting our journey together, though. We are still slow and shy and formal with each other, and I love every moment of it. Loving him is already beyond everything I expected, and I am so excited and thrilled when I think about our future together. I do not believe that there is anything in the entire multiverse that could separate us, because we have the best love story of all time.

[*VanillaRose]

I have been sullen for the past week, and I have had no desire to leave my inn room - no, Hawuihd's inn room. This place is not mine. My room at the villa is not mine; it belongs to the man I now call "father".

I have been consumed by negativity ever since that bastard Suokuah put his hands upon me. And because of their relationship, my handsome knight has done nothing. Like the old adage says, blood is thicker than anything else.

I have nothing here. I tried and I tried and I tried to help. I tried to get involved. I went against my own principles in an effort to make this place my home. This place is not my home.

The way the writing shifts here suggests that some time passed between the last paragraph and the following one.

We're leaving - not that anyone else will care. They all adore Suokuah and fault Hawuihd and me. I grow weary of the lectures and judgments. I considered some of them friends, but they refuse to listen. The man could have killed me, but I am a horrible person for wanting nothing more to do with him. They're all barmy.

This entire place is barmy. I should not "abandon" family - bah! Where is the lecture on not "trying to kill" family? Oh, silly me, I should have known that he was just "trying to help". Yet my love gets chastised for avenging my honor. There is no justice in this place.

I cannot believe this is happening!

[*VanillaRose]

He left me.

There was no word farewell. There was no explanation. He said he was heading to the Bazaar to fetch supplies for our journey, and he never returned.

He did not return to Baldur's Gate, though. Wznggodja said that the two of them and others trekked through a place called Carceri; she did not mention to where he traveled once they parted ways.

My things were already packed, so I simply returned them to my room here at the villa. I grow weary of hoping and waiting and wondering; I am young, and I deserve to experience all the joys of love rather than enduring all the misery of it.

Aside from a few chaste kisses, he has yet to touch me. I was the one to suggest that we sleep in the same bed, and although he obliged me, he has stayed far on his side whenever the opportunity avails itself. At least Let greeted me with a not-entirely-unpleasant neck nuzzle after we awoke from our evening of drunken revelry - but that was prior to my involvement with Hawuihd.

Is it wrong for me to crave intimacy with the man who claimed he loved me? Is it wrong for me to expect him to court me in the way that he promised? I am sorely tempted to hire a jinkshirt - or perhaps even Let - to hold me and kiss me and touch me for an evening. I want to feel like a woman who is young and full of life rather than a sad, dour old maid.

[*VanillaRose]

Magic, for most mortals, is something that fades with the passage of time. The protective wards of even the most powerful spellcasters only last for a short time before fading back into the Weave. When magic fades, its recipient is left weaker and more vulnerable. Love, a type of magic in its own right, is no different.

The handsome knight returned to Sigil, and he knew I was upset. He regaled me with a tale involving a would-be assassin and not trusting Wznggodja enough to have her send me word of his whereabouts. I am a story-teller! I know when tales have glaring, gaping holes in them. He withholds information from me, and he must think I am too simple to notice.

Our conversation was tense, and I felt like an embittered, jaded wife scolding a wayward husband. I am not sure why I relented and agreed to continue our courtship, but I agreed nonetheless. I warned him that there would be no more chances. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him - I want to be cherished and loved. I want to be respected. I deserve to be swept off my feet.

For a while, when we were in the company of others, I easily pretended as if everything was alright. Once the crowd departed, though, the awkward tension between us could not be avoided. He asked if I would be staying the night with him in his room, and at first I surprised myself by denying his request. But then I asked myself why should I immediately accept his invitations after he has treated me with such carelessness? I think my refusal surprised and disappointed him, but perhaps it also opened his eyes to the serious nature of our situation. He is not the only man in Sigil - or the multiverse.

In fact, I recently met a gentleman - Uglsaz - who seems intelligent, witty, and refined. His flattery of my attire and looks sounded like genuine compliments, but perhaps I am merely starved for such flowery words. He is strikingly handsome, too. We and others traveled through the Abyss together, and I would like to know more about him.

The magic that possessed me when I first met Hawuihd appears to be fading, and I do not know if he can cast his charming spell again. He and Cugnu joked about flirting and teasing others in the past, and the handsome knight made a remark about thinking that the women of Sigil were "immune" to his usual charms. I was struck with a sudden, horrible thought: what if I was but one of many? Or what if I was some sort of wager? I have been open and honest about my chastity, and there are unscrupulous people in the cosmos. Is Hawuihd one of them? Does he even care about me at all?

My patience with him grows thinner with each passing moment.