The Truths We Create

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Serena
Posts: 85
Joined: Wed Feb 26, 2020 2:48 pm

Posted by Serena »


== Dr. Sunshine Is Dead ==

* * *

He had been sitting in the same spot long enough to lose track of time, his back against a half ruined wall as he stared at the shifting black and grey sky above through the smoke of his cigarette. He had expected company, at some point, although he didn't exactly care about that possibility, but when he had not been disturbed for hours, unaware of his invisible guardians, he simply stopped worrying about it and returned to drown in his thoughts.
He was almost certain he had fallen into reverie, at some point, but no memories came to him, only the torpor and the numbness: it was in that state of dazed paralysis that his mind kept running, dwelling more and more in the vortex of bitterness that the revelation from earlier had tossed him into.

It was true, there was no way out. It really didn't matter whether he struggled or not, didn't matter whether he lived or died. Like an insect, his role in the grand scheme of things didn't depend on any of that. And he shouldn't have cared about it, so why did that notion make him feel so powerless?
Why did it hurt, when he wasn't supposed to feel it at all?

And as he pondered how even giving himself up to the plane didn't have the same appeal it had once upon a time, the bleak, self destructive thoughts folded on themselves, changing shape and showing him something he had failed noticing until then.
It was at that point that he realized he had the solution already in his hands, disguised as self preservation. He had had it the whole time, but he had been hesitating taking it.

He felt coldness wash over him as his lips slowly stretched in a smile, and all of a sudden he felt good.
That was it. That was exactly how he was going to give meaning to his Existence.
By achieving the only thing that he was denied now.

Choice. Oblivion.




"Hand me my shovel, I'm going in!"

Plays: Aidan Rhistel - Factor and Law Representative of the Fated
Feel free to reach to me IC for enlisting or general faction rp
User avatar
Serena
Posts: 85
Joined: Wed Feb 26, 2020 2:48 pm

Posted by Serena »


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And so he had ended up hiding in his house once more, like the old days, studying and working full time, going out only when necessary, trying to avoid people the best he could... the pattern was even harder to ignore once one added to the list the fact half the times he went out was to look for troubles. Sure, this wasn't comparable to when he enlisted himself as a mercenary in the Blood War, but it probably still said a lot about how he dealt with his problems.
Not that he was listening.

The truth was, It was just easier to deal with people who were outright hostile toward him. It was simple, straightforward, and besides, there was really no time to focus on one's silly, emotional problems when there was a couple swords or more coming your way.
Yes, everyone had their way of coping, and his was just as shitty as many others, but being alone helped him recharge, and adrenaline, while not great for the mood, it always worked miracles for his head.

All in all, it had merely been a stupid few days, for several stupid reasons... many fairly out of his control, but a certain amount of which undeniably belonged to his tab.
He had overstepped his boundaries, regretted it, and then done it again. Why? Were his walls useful only against those attacking or hiding behind walls of their own? Did it really take him so little to get all over the place that way? Pathetic.
He better remember what his place was, before he was reminded of it.
Luckily, his plan of burying himself in books and parchments was going to help with that situation. After all, giving space to himself coincidentally also meant giving space to others.

And then there was the other bonus that came with spending time in the Astral, a feature often overlooked in favour of other trivial stuff, like being able to fly and whatever: you didn't need to put any effort in trying to be mildly drunk all the time, you only had to make sure you went in already settled.
It was great.





Luckily for him, Lance eventually came by to see if he was still alive, something he had quietly appreciated, and which prompted him to return the visit a few cycles later. Yes, felt contradictory, but there was a lot to be said about feeling lonely while at the same time not wanting to deal with the majority of people: it was a stupid limbo, one of which he'd gladly do without, but that instead was integral part of his life. One more reason to be grateful for the few that still didn't look at him as if he were a soul-eating monster, or worst, crazy.

They had drank, mostly talked, but more importantly, they had started laying down everything they were going to need for the imminent trip to the Realmspace, going over the information in their possession and planning for when things would inevitably go wrong.
He had never been out in the space within Prime Spheres before, especially not without the protection bubble offered by a spelljammer, but he had read of the extreme conditions a body would be subjected while there, and that had prompted him to go browse some of the grimoires in his library that he hadn't touched for a while now, in search for spells he hoped were going to be helpful. All the while, Lance had prospected being able to craft specific helms that would help them as an emergency measure, which was an additional detail he liked. Of course, he knew that, should they be forced to rely on a respirator, there was high chance they were done for, unless either Maraphiel's golem or the SoD could perform a successful extraction... after all, being unable to speak or emit sounds meant that most of their magic was unusable... Those helms needed to be especially good.
And then there was the issue with his "passenger", and how he couldn't allow his body to be in danger enough to give her strength to take over. Something else he had to discuss with the others, sooner or later, and that implied more countermeasures he needed to take care of.

In the end, everything about that journey screamed suicide, and still he hadn't considered giving up on it.
Perhaps he was crazy, after all.
But if things didn't go too horribly, he'd either have another piece of that tablet, or be close enough to his next destination.

Toril.

Image
"Hand me my shovel, I'm going in!"

Plays: Aidan Rhistel - Factor and Law Representative of the Fated
Feel free to reach to me IC for enlisting or general faction rp
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