Re: Kelian Hannen Journal: Traveling the Stars
Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2021 11:15 am
Has been a ride..
*opening the door to his apartment in Chirper's, Kelian sees that after all tha time was not changed too much. Not many signs of had been used recently but doesn't seems to be bothered by it, just a lingering feeling of pleasure of being back.Putting his belt with several bag of holdings on it over the chair, gets free from the armor to look then at the desk with his diary still there. Takes his time for a while, gazing into it, but decide to head towards it, blowing softly air from the nose, looking at the last page that he wrote*
...that much time, uh
*says out loud while fllipping few pages. Making a wary smile,decide to sit down, grabbing the quill one more time thinking a bit on the words,but once again he just starts to write, letting words flow naturally*
"One hundred thirty eight days since arrival
So much happened since the last time i have wrote on this...so much that i don't know where to start.
Let's begin with the most important part: i have left the Sign. I know the consequences this could had and i did pay already a bit of it in the last few cycles, some of my touts and people that i used to work with looked at me with suspect and waryness. Honestly, i barely felt it...much better this then what i was going throught in the Sign.
In the end, all my hard work was going for naught. Despite my efforts, people were getting tired of the costant drama situation, and i was just the same. Hoped to reach a better conclusion talking with Danae, she was the one that initiated me to the Sign and hoped she had a good explanations for her husband actions.
She had not. In the end, everything was really repeating like in the Coast. Basically, i could have bow my head and accept what she said as "the truth" and trying to do our best to not step into eachother feet, as if was even possible given the circumstances and every report i received. Is funny. She reminded me of the Halls of Inner Light and realized that i was doing the same mistake again. I have put my faith in the wrong people, and they were trying to come clean as the good one. I have learned thought since then and i refused such an outcome. So i did what i should had definitely do in Toril and maybe would had avoided me months of pain and struggles: i left.
Honestly, never felt better: the very same night some of my friends decided to make a toast of it and we had a nice party while the Sign was paying a steep price in lives. It didn't feel really right, but i could not do a moral anymore. I mean, i had part of the solution to the case of the Signer's murderer and just remained quiet. I gave a small hint to Raena, but i was so fed up that i didn't care if she got it or not that morning. Many were worried that i wanted them dead, but in reality i simply don't care for them enough at this point if they live or die.
I didn't like that. I still wonder if the price of this freedom, this more light hearted feeling, is being such a cold man. I tried to focus on the other projects and people i was trying to help, like Alari and Atria or the case of the Zhentarim in the Cage, but...felt like i had lost the direction. For who or why i was doing that? myself? people that once i considered friends? the City? i could only feel a loss of trust in everything around me..i confessed this to few close persons, but in the end i think other realized it as well given the distance i have put.I received the news that the Radiant Hearts were purged, afterall my hard work did not go to waste...but i felt only more anger.The Halls of Inner Light mostly split..only Alyssia seems is still there, but i didn't feel anything at her mention.Even working on my own project felt a bit pointless
Abwan gave me a good advice, one that i tried to follow in these cycles, "you cannot help others if can't help yourself".In the end i was alone, Meskhanet decided to focus solely on her work and Shazy on her training with the swordancers.The Andors as well decided to focus on work and barely were seen in the bar, Kana was not coming to work as well since a lot now that has the orphanage to work into. Felt pointless at some point to even contact them again, so i just started to focus on myself, trying to find something to help me move on and put everything else in hold.
Ended up talking with Vilanth a lot in the last weeks, she is nice. Reminds me a bit of Tommy and of sister Ashenie...seems i remind her of a friend she had in her own prime. I can't remember the name now...said he was a mithril knight. A good man. It made me feel something again and we met few times again to talk about our experience in the city. She has a nice idea of importing halfling goods in the city, i would like to help her but for now i refrained from offering too deep help, for the reasons earlier written.
In one of these times we were togheter, a little Cipher event happened in the Gymnasium...a factor of one of the sects answered our questions and explained to us his meaning of the cadence and the multiverse. It was interesting and left us with an exercise to do, one that i found like a possibility for me to find some inner calm; to go in the Outlands, travel to the spire and,once there, ask this simple question to ourselves, then start to walk again.
Who am i?
I don't even know how much time i spended in contemplation of that question. My mind went back to Toril again and all the long road that brought me up to that point.A priest? a bard? a scolar, a warrior, a leader, a pariah...? someone over confident? someone most of the times unsure of himself? i didn't even realize when i started to move again. My mind was just focused on that question and the possible answer. So many things happened, so many times that i felt so fed up, broken and then made whole again. Everytime a little more colder, everytime a little more distrust of others and still not able to shake away the feeling of wishing to see the others around me happy and smile, at peace and relaxed.
Before i realized, a small assortment of longhouses and shacks tucked along the shores of a deep fjord were on the horizon. A sign crudely made signed the gatetown of Glorium. The entry to Ysgard, the Heroic Domains. I wondered after few moments if that was my destination, if there i would had found the answers. Asked to few sods in the village and enter Ysgard was not easy but nor impossible. Part of me wanted just to enter and wander in there, see if i could had found the answers that way...but is not an easy plance of existance and if i wonder as i did, could also not come back.
So i made my way back here to the City, took me a while but is more right to talk with few people before doing such a journey, don't wish for my friends to worry about me in case i would disappear.
With Alari and Atria is...complicated. They attacked me when i was still a Signer. If i reported them to the Harmonium could had made them pass a very bad time..many asked me why i didn't. Indeed, i have to admit, part of me wanted to make them pay for all i have been throught in Toril...they didn't join the slanders and the people of the Radiants, but nonetheless they turned their back on me when i considered them good friends...but those days at the Rule, reminded me better times at the Jest.No matter how many times other says otherwise, i am still grateful to them for what they did for me before Polvich mess. I doubt will see them again thought. That time at Brux told them to go back to Toril, the City will devour them if they go with such shallow intentions inside a faction. Didn't see them since then and didn't heard anyone tell me of them anymore...guess we will have no more chances to talk again, part of me is glad of that.
I am tired of their betrayals and their insults, not like these ones had much of an effect, and especially tired of that kind of drama in my life...but most of all, they will be safe from the dangers of the Cage.
Think will stop here for now, i need to rest and then walk around Sigil to meet few people and hear the news i've lost."
*putting down the quill, Kelian stretches his arms and looks outside the window, grabbing his belt again, doning his armor and heading out again*
*opening the door to his apartment in Chirper's, Kelian sees that after all tha time was not changed too much. Not many signs of had been used recently but doesn't seems to be bothered by it, just a lingering feeling of pleasure of being back.Putting his belt with several bag of holdings on it over the chair, gets free from the armor to look then at the desk with his diary still there. Takes his time for a while, gazing into it, but decide to head towards it, blowing softly air from the nose, looking at the last page that he wrote*
...that much time, uh
*says out loud while fllipping few pages. Making a wary smile,decide to sit down, grabbing the quill one more time thinking a bit on the words,but once again he just starts to write, letting words flow naturally*
"One hundred thirty eight days since arrival
So much happened since the last time i have wrote on this...so much that i don't know where to start.
Let's begin with the most important part: i have left the Sign. I know the consequences this could had and i did pay already a bit of it in the last few cycles, some of my touts and people that i used to work with looked at me with suspect and waryness. Honestly, i barely felt it...much better this then what i was going throught in the Sign.
In the end, all my hard work was going for naught. Despite my efforts, people were getting tired of the costant drama situation, and i was just the same. Hoped to reach a better conclusion talking with Danae, she was the one that initiated me to the Sign and hoped she had a good explanations for her husband actions.
She had not. In the end, everything was really repeating like in the Coast. Basically, i could have bow my head and accept what she said as "the truth" and trying to do our best to not step into eachother feet, as if was even possible given the circumstances and every report i received. Is funny. She reminded me of the Halls of Inner Light and realized that i was doing the same mistake again. I have put my faith in the wrong people, and they were trying to come clean as the good one. I have learned thought since then and i refused such an outcome. So i did what i should had definitely do in Toril and maybe would had avoided me months of pain and struggles: i left.
Honestly, never felt better: the very same night some of my friends decided to make a toast of it and we had a nice party while the Sign was paying a steep price in lives. It didn't feel really right, but i could not do a moral anymore. I mean, i had part of the solution to the case of the Signer's murderer and just remained quiet. I gave a small hint to Raena, but i was so fed up that i didn't care if she got it or not that morning. Many were worried that i wanted them dead, but in reality i simply don't care for them enough at this point if they live or die.
I didn't like that. I still wonder if the price of this freedom, this more light hearted feeling, is being such a cold man. I tried to focus on the other projects and people i was trying to help, like Alari and Atria or the case of the Zhentarim in the Cage, but...felt like i had lost the direction. For who or why i was doing that? myself? people that once i considered friends? the City? i could only feel a loss of trust in everything around me..i confessed this to few close persons, but in the end i think other realized it as well given the distance i have put.I received the news that the Radiant Hearts were purged, afterall my hard work did not go to waste...but i felt only more anger.The Halls of Inner Light mostly split..only Alyssia seems is still there, but i didn't feel anything at her mention.Even working on my own project felt a bit pointless
Abwan gave me a good advice, one that i tried to follow in these cycles, "you cannot help others if can't help yourself".In the end i was alone, Meskhanet decided to focus solely on her work and Shazy on her training with the swordancers.The Andors as well decided to focus on work and barely were seen in the bar, Kana was not coming to work as well since a lot now that has the orphanage to work into. Felt pointless at some point to even contact them again, so i just started to focus on myself, trying to find something to help me move on and put everything else in hold.
Ended up talking with Vilanth a lot in the last weeks, she is nice. Reminds me a bit of Tommy and of sister Ashenie...seems i remind her of a friend she had in her own prime. I can't remember the name now...said he was a mithril knight. A good man. It made me feel something again and we met few times again to talk about our experience in the city. She has a nice idea of importing halfling goods in the city, i would like to help her but for now i refrained from offering too deep help, for the reasons earlier written.
In one of these times we were togheter, a little Cipher event happened in the Gymnasium...a factor of one of the sects answered our questions and explained to us his meaning of the cadence and the multiverse. It was interesting and left us with an exercise to do, one that i found like a possibility for me to find some inner calm; to go in the Outlands, travel to the spire and,once there, ask this simple question to ourselves, then start to walk again.
Who am i?
I don't even know how much time i spended in contemplation of that question. My mind went back to Toril again and all the long road that brought me up to that point.A priest? a bard? a scolar, a warrior, a leader, a pariah...? someone over confident? someone most of the times unsure of himself? i didn't even realize when i started to move again. My mind was just focused on that question and the possible answer. So many things happened, so many times that i felt so fed up, broken and then made whole again. Everytime a little more colder, everytime a little more distrust of others and still not able to shake away the feeling of wishing to see the others around me happy and smile, at peace and relaxed.
Before i realized, a small assortment of longhouses and shacks tucked along the shores of a deep fjord were on the horizon. A sign crudely made signed the gatetown of Glorium. The entry to Ysgard, the Heroic Domains. I wondered after few moments if that was my destination, if there i would had found the answers. Asked to few sods in the village and enter Ysgard was not easy but nor impossible. Part of me wanted just to enter and wander in there, see if i could had found the answers that way...but is not an easy plance of existance and if i wonder as i did, could also not come back.
So i made my way back here to the City, took me a while but is more right to talk with few people before doing such a journey, don't wish for my friends to worry about me in case i would disappear.
With Alari and Atria is...complicated. They attacked me when i was still a Signer. If i reported them to the Harmonium could had made them pass a very bad time..many asked me why i didn't. Indeed, i have to admit, part of me wanted to make them pay for all i have been throught in Toril...they didn't join the slanders and the people of the Radiants, but nonetheless they turned their back on me when i considered them good friends...but those days at the Rule, reminded me better times at the Jest.No matter how many times other says otherwise, i am still grateful to them for what they did for me before Polvich mess. I doubt will see them again thought. That time at Brux told them to go back to Toril, the City will devour them if they go with such shallow intentions inside a faction. Didn't see them since then and didn't heard anyone tell me of them anymore...guess we will have no more chances to talk again, part of me is glad of that.
I am tired of their betrayals and their insults, not like these ones had much of an effect, and especially tired of that kind of drama in my life...but most of all, they will be safe from the dangers of the Cage.
Think will stop here for now, i need to rest and then walk around Sigil to meet few people and hear the news i've lost."
*putting down the quill, Kelian stretches his arms and looks outside the window, grabbing his belt again, doning his armor and heading out again*