THE FANCEY GNOLL LIBERTINE
ACT II SCENE ii
WHEREIN SIR GNOLLS AND LADY HORNBERG HINT AT CUCKOLDING THE FOOLISH LORD HORNBERG
Sir Gnolls and Lady Hornberg enter the manse of Lord Hornberg. The manse is quite fancey.
Sir Gnolls: Dear Lady, Lady Hornberg. This Manse is so Fancey!
Lady H.: Oh, thank you Sir Gnolls! My husband has paid a great deal of money for all his prized possessions.
Sir G.: Oh, has he, now? I can't blame him overmuch. Were I to have such fancey possessions, I should want them want them protected, and warm. Might you give me a personal tour of this room?
Lady H.: Oh, Sir Gnolls, you are incorrigible! I do believe we just spent hours admiring the trim on my husband's bed!
Sir G.: Lady Hornberg, I insist! I must see it! Perhaps you shall take me to this rug, and whisper in my ear its value in gold.
Lady H.: Oh, Sir Gnolls! It is true what they say about your charm, and I suppose it has been a few minutes since-
There is a knocking at yon manse doore. Lord Hornberg's voice rings out.
Lord Hornberg: Hello! Dear, sweet, loyal wife, what ho? Art thou in yon house? I have locked mineself out of the fancey manse! Please do let me in! If thou art home.
Lady H.: Oh, Sir Gnolls! We must hide you. My foolish husband has been known to suspect jealousy at the slightest indiscretion.
Sir G.: Nonsense! We shall simpley tell him a lie, and he shall know nothing better.
Lady H.: Oh, goodness! Very well, Sir Gnolls. But I hope thou art good at lying! I fear I am frightfully transparent.
Sir G.: Not to worry! Go and let thy husband inside. I shall clean our mess from yon bedroome.
Lady Hornberg lets her husband a-side the fancey manse
Lord H.: I say, woman! Thou tookest thine time in letting me in mine own house!
Lady H.: Apologies, My Lord Husband! I had to take mine time, because, you see...
Lord H.: What is it! Out with it, slow-witted woman!
Lady H.: A guest, you see! We have a guest.
Lord H.: A guest! I should like to meet this guest! Why, if it is some young upstart bard, I swear I shall be forced to-
Sir Gnolls enters, wearing a top hatte and monocle, looking even fancey-er than before.
Sir G.: Lord Hornberg! I take it you have heard of my arrival.
Lord H.: What is this! Who art thou, in mine fancey manse!
Sir G.: Lord Hornberg, please! I am Sir Gnolls Fitzgerald, of the most Prestigious Fancey Manse Magazine! Art thou aware that the Fanciest Manse contest hath begun just last week? Thine write-in application was just recieve-ed one night a-fore?
Lord H.: I did no such thing, and I've certainly never heard of such a publication!
Lady H.: I did, Lord Husband! I sent in the application!
Lord H.: What!
Sir G.: Yes, your lovely wife did taketh the opportunity to give me yon tour! She also baked cookies, and allowed me to tour her facilities. She showed me the bedroom, and the bathroom. The front yard! And yes, the back yard as well. Lady Hornberg, might I add, your yard is magnificently trimmed!
Lady H.: Thank you, Sir Gnolls. My Husband never pays much attention to my yardwork!
Lord H.: I say, this is most surprising, and unexpected... and Sir Gnolls, you look rather familiar, as if I've seen you before, without that most Fancey Top Hatte and monocle...
Sir G.: Lord Hornberg! Pay no attention to my appearance, but to mine words instead! I think that you might win the award!
Lord H: The award, you say?
Sir G.: Yea! Imagine... thine name in print! Thou shalt become famous to all, for having yon fanciest manse in all of The Cage!
Lord H.: Oh, that would be magnificent! The other Lords would be very jealous.
Sir G.: Yes! Now, pray tell, go to the market and fetch your wife some tea bags. I fear we perhaps over-used them in the course of my visit.
Lady H.: My Lord Husband hardly ever uses the tea bags. It seems he only enjoys tea among his male companions!
Lord H.: Haha! Of course, Sir Gnolls! I shall fetch us tea, and the three of us shall enjoye a nice kettle! And I do have one final question...
Sir G.: Yes, Lord Hornberg?
Lord H.: Art thou... a gnoll?
Sir G.: Haha! What a preposterous question!
Lord H.: Haha, thou art correct. I apologize for asking! Your mane is simply so magnificent and gnoll-like, it seemed only proper to ask.
Sir G.: Go now, yon foolish fancey man! I shall be certain to mention your good humor to the judging board in my write-up!
Lord Hornberg leaves in good humour, and Sir Gnolls lockeths thine door behind him.
Lady H.: Sir Gnolls! Thou art a brilliant liar!
Sir G.: Lying, ho! 'Tis only acting, my fair lady Hornberg. Now, what say we tour thine back yard again? I fear I did not get a good enough gander at yon melon patch on the previous tour.
Lady H.: Oh, Sir Gnolls! Thou art a true ruffian!
Sir G.: Ruff, indeed!
END SCENE II ACT ii
The Fancey Gnoll Libertine: A Play In Two Actes
